People who are warm with friends but cold with family usually had these 8 experiences as a child

It's curious, isn't it? Why some people are charming and welcoming with their friends but act chilly and distant towards their own family.

This contrast often roots back to childhood, where certain experiences can shape our attitudes and behaviors as adults.

As a child, you don't get to choose your family. But you can choose your friends. This basic fact might explain why some people are more affectionate towards their friends than their family.

In this article, we're going to delve into 8 such childhood experiences that typically result in this intriguing behavioral pattern. So buckle up, it's going to be quite the enlightening journey!

1) Unresolved childhood conflicts

You've likely heard the term "baggage" used to describe past experiences that still affect us today. Well, when it comes to family dynamics, unresolved childhood conflicts are a prime example.

These are the squabbles, disagreements, or even outright wars that happened during our formative years and were never adequately resolved or healed.

It's not uncommon for these unresolved issues to bubble up later in life, influencing how we interact with our family members as adults.

For instance, a child who frequently felt overlooked or belittled by a sibling might grow into an adult who finds it difficult to be warm and open with that sibling or even the entire family.

In contrast, friendships - particularly those formed later in life - don't carry this baggage. These relationships can be a fresh start, free from the wounds of the past, which could explain why some people are warmer with friends than family.

Remember, acknowledging these unresolved conflicts is the first step towards healing them.

2) Lack of emotional connection

Let me share a little bit about my own childhood. I grew up in a family where showing emotions was seen as a weakness. We didn't hug, we didn't say "I love you", and we certainly didn't talk about our feelings.

This lack of emotional connection as a child made me uncomfortable expressing affection towards my family, even as an adult.

On the other hand, with my friends, I found a safe space to be emotionally expressive. I could tell them how much they meant to me, share my fears and dreams, and get the emotional support I craved. It's no wonder I found myself being warmer to them than I was with my own family.

This is just my story, but it's not uncommon. Many people who are cold towards their family but warm with their friends often experienced a lack of emotional connection in their childhood home.

3) Role reversals

In some households, kids are forced to grow up too fast, often due to circumstances beyond their control. They might have to take on adult roles - becoming caretakers for younger siblings or even their own parents.

This kind of role reversal can create a sense of resentment and emotional distance between the child and their family. The child, in essence, becomes an 'adult' too early, missing out on the carefree joys of childhood.

Interestingly, research shows that these 'parentified' children often struggle with family relationships in adulthood. Yet, they excel in friendships where they can choose their own role, allowing them to finally enjoy the emotional freedom they missed out on as kids. These friendships often become their refuge, explaining why they may seem warmer towards friends than family.

4) Differing family values

Families carry their unique set of values that are typically passed down from generation to generation. But, what if you find yourself at odds with those values?

Being brought up in a family whose values you disagree with can create an invisible wall of tension. You might feel like you don't fit in or even feel judged by your family for not aligning with their beliefs.

In contrast, friendships usually form around shared interests and values. You choose your friends based on who you connect with - people who see the world in a similar way to you.

This difference in shared values can often lead to people feeling more comfortable and warmer with their friends than their family. It's easier to be yourself when you're surrounded by people who understand and appreciate your perspective.

5) The impact of parental favoritism

Imagine growing up feeling like you're always second best, constantly compared to a sibling who can do no wrong in the eyes of your parents. It's a harsh reality for many children who experience parental favoritism.

This favoritism can leave deep emotional scars, leading to feelings of worthlessness and rejection. It can create a cold distance between the child and their family, a barrier that often persists into adulthood.

Yet in the world of friendships, these individuals find acceptance and validation. Their friends see their worth and appreciate them for who they are, not in comparison to someone else.

This unconditional acceptance within friendships can be a soothing balm to the wounds inflicted by parental favoritism, explaining why some individuals might seem warmer with friends than their own family. It's within these friendships that they find the love and acceptance they craved as children.

6) Growing up with high expectations

In my family, success was the only option. Whether it was regarding grades, sports or extracurricular activities, coming second was never good enough.

This constant pressure to meet high expectations left me feeling anxious and inadequate around my family. I felt like I was always being judged and constantly fell short of their high standards.

However, with my friends, it was a different story. They didn't care what grade I got on my math test or if I made the varsity basketball team. They valued me for who I was, not what I achieved.

This shift from high-pressure family interactions to accepting and supportive friendships allowed me to be more open and warm with my friends than with my family. It's a dynamic that many others who grew up with high expectations can likely relate to.

7) Absence of open communication

Communication is the cornerstone of any relationship. But in some families, open and honest communication is lacking.

Growing up in such an environment can make you feel unheard and misunderstood. You might feel like you're walking on eggshells, afraid to express your true feelings for fear of a negative reaction.

On the flip side, friendships often thrive on open communication. Friends are there to listen, understand, and offer advice without judgment. This openness can foster a sense of warmth and closeness that may be missing in family relationships.

The stark contrast between the communication dynamics in family versus friendships could explain why some individuals appear warmer with friends than with their family. It's easier to let your guard down and be yourself when you know your words and feelings will be met with understanding and acceptance.

8) Experience of neglect or abuse

This is a hard truth, but necessary to face. Some people grow up in families where they experience neglect or abuse, be it physical, emotional, or psychological.

This traumatic experience can drastically impact how they interact with their family as adults. They may put up walls to protect themselves, appearing cold and distant.

However, in friendships, they find a chance for healthier relationships. Friends can provide a safe space, offering love, respect, and care – all the things they may have missed out on in their family environment.

It's important to realize that this is not about blaming or shaming anyone. It's about understanding the deep-rooted reasons behind why some people might act warmer towards their friends than their family. It's about empathy, compassion and ultimately, healing.