You know you've become an ATM to your adult children when these 8 situations keep repeating

When was the last time your adult child called just to chat, without eventually steering the conversation toward money?

If you're struggling to remember, you're not alone. Many parents find themselves in a cycle where their grown children seem to view them less as parents and more as perpetual funding sources. During my years as a financial analyst, I watched countless clients wrestle with this exact dynamic, often sacrificing their retirement security to keep bailing out kids who should be standing on their own two feet.

The transformation happens gradually. One emergency loan becomes two, then three, and before you know it, you're fielding regular requests while your own financial goals gather dust. What started as helping your child through a rough patch has morphed into enabling a pattern that benefits no one.

Here are eight situations that signal you've crossed the line from supportive parent to human ATM.

1. Every conversation ends with a money request

Remember when your kids used to call to share good news or ask for advice? Now, those calls follow a predictable script. They start with small talk, maybe ask how you're doing, then pivot to their latest financial crisis.

"Hey Mom, how's your garden doing? That's great... So, my car needs new tires and I'm a little short this month."

Sound familiar? When every interaction becomes transactional, you're no longer having relationships; you're conducting business. And the business model is simple: they withdraw, you provide.

I once worked with a client who kept a log of her son's calls. Over six months, 90% included money requests. The other 10%? Holidays and her birthday. That's not a relationship; that's a subscription service where you're paying all the fees.

2. They only visit when they need something

Physical visits have become rare treats, except when rent is due or their credit card is maxed out. Suddenly, they're available for Sunday dinner, bringing their laundry along "to save money."

These visits feel hollow because they are. You're not being valued for your wisdom, your company, or your killer lasagna recipe. You're being visited because proximity makes it harder for you to say no.

One woman I knew started testing this theory. She mentioned she was tightening her budget, and surprise, surprise, her daughter's monthly visits stopped immediately. The correlation was heartbreaking but undeniable.

3. Your "no" is never accepted as final

When you do find the courage to say no, what happens? If they treat your boundary like the opening move in a negotiation, you've got a problem.

"I understand you can't help with the full amount, but what about half?"
"Could you at least cover my phone bill?"
"What if I pay you back next month?"

This persistence wears you down, and they know it. They've learned that your "no" really means "convince me," and they're happy to play that game. After all, they usually win.

4. Emergencies happen with suspicious frequency

Life throws curveballs at everyone, but your adult child seems to be standing directly in the pitching machine's line of fire. Every month brings a new crisis that somehow requires your checkbook.

The car breaks down. The landlord is "being unreasonable." Hours got cut at work. The roommate bailed. Their phone got stolen. The list never ends, and neither do the requests.

Here's what I learned analyzing financial patterns for two decades: true emergencies are rare. Most "emergencies" are the result of poor planning and the knowledge that you'll swoop in to save the day. When you're the safety net, why would they learn to walk the tightrope carefully?

5. They know your financial situation better than their own

Can your adult child tell you exactly when your pension hits your account but seems fuzzy on their own credit score? Do they remember that you got a small raise but forget they've borrowed money from you three times this year?

This selective memory isn't accidental. They're tracking your resources because they consider them communal property. Your money is "our" money, but their money? That's definitely just theirs.

During my monthly money dates with myself, I review not just what I've spent, but who I've given money to. The patterns can be shocking when you see them in black and white.

6. Guilt is their primary negotiation tactic

"I guess I'll just have to drop out of school."
"You helped my sister when she needed it."
"I don't know what I'll do if you can't help."
"After everything I've been through..."

If these phrases sound like a greatest hits album playing on repeat in your home, you're being emotionally manipulated. They've learned that guilt is your weakness, and they're exploiting it masterfully.

The irony? Parents who consistently give in to guilt-driven requests often end up resented rather than appreciated. You become the person who "should" help rather than the person who chooses to help. There's no gratitude in obligation.

7. Your retirement planning has taken a backseat

This one hits close to home for me, having watched the 2008 crisis demolish retirement accounts. People who could least afford losses took the biggest hits, often because they'd already depleted their reserves helping adult children.

Are you putting off retirement? Skipping contributions to your 401k? Considering a reverse mortgage? If your golden years are looking more like brass because you're funding your adult child's lifestyle, you've become an ATM with a very real expiration date.

What happens when the well runs dry? When you need care, will those same children who drained your resources step up? Statistics suggest they won't.

8. You make excuses for their behavior to others

"The job market is really tough right now."
"She's just going through a rough patch."
"His ex really did a number on him."

If you're constantly defending your adult child's financial dependence to friends and family, deep down, you know something's wrong. You wouldn't need to justify healthy behavior.

I noticed this pattern repeatedly with clients. The more excuses they made, the more entrenched the problem had become. Those excuses aren't just for other people, they're for you too. They help you avoid confronting the uncomfortable truth that you're enabling rather than helping.

Final thoughts

Breaking the ATM cycle isn't about abandoning your children or becoming heartless. It's about recognizing that true love sometimes means letting them struggle, fail, and ultimately, succeed on their own terms.

Your job was to raise independent adults, not permanent dependents. If these situations sound painfully familiar, it's time to close the Bank of Mom and Dad, at least temporarily. Your children might protest initially, but you're giving them something far more valuable than money: the opportunity to discover their own resilience.

Start small. Say no to the next non-emergency request. Set a boundary and hold it. Your future self, and surprisingly, your children's future selves, will thank you for it.