The art of letting go: 10 things people hold onto decades longer than they should

Have you ever found yourself lying awake at 3 AM, replaying a conversation from fifteen years ago? I have. More times than I'd like to admit.

Last month, while clearing out old boxes in my garage, I stumbled upon a stack of letters from a friendship that ended badly back in my twenties. Reading them brought back all the old hurt, the anger, the sense of betrayal. And that's when it hit me: I'd been carrying this weight for over a decade. For what?

We're all walking around with invisible backpacks filled with grudges, regrets, and outdated beliefs that we picked up somewhere along the way and forgot to put down. The thing is, most of us don't even realize how heavy these bags have become until our backs start breaking.

Living in Vietnam taught me something profound about letting go. Nothing there goes exactly as planned. The bus might be three hours late, the restaurant you walked forty minutes to find might be randomly closed, and the internet cuts out just when you need it most. You either learn to release control, or you lose your mind. I chose the former, and it changed everything.

Here are ten things we tend to hold onto for way too long, and why it's time to finally let them go.

1. Grudges from ancient history

Remember that person who wronged you in college? Or that coworker who threw you under the bus five jobs ago? Yeah, they've probably forgotten all about it. Meanwhile, you're still carrying that anger around like a trophy nobody wants to see.

Holding grudges is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. It's exhausting, and honestly? Most people who hurt us aren't losing sleep over it. They've moved on with their lives while we're stuck in a loop, replaying the hurt.

The Buddhist concept of impermanence has helped me here. Everything passes. The anger you feel today will fade if you let it. "This too shall pass" isn't just a platitude; it's a fundamental truth about the nature of existence.

2. The perfect version of yourself

For years, I believed my perfectionism was a virtue. It drove me to achieve, to push harder, to never settle. But somewhere along the way, I realized it wasn't a virtue at all. It was a prison.

The perfect version of you doesn't exist. That idealized self you're comparing yourself to? They're a fiction, a moving target that shifts every time you get close.

In my book, Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I explore how Buddhism teaches us that suffering often comes from attachment to expectations, including the impossible expectations we set for ourselves.

Let go of perfect. Embrace good enough. You'll be amazed at how much lighter you feel.

3. Jobs that drained your soul

I meet so many people who are still bitter about jobs they left years ago. They're still complaining about that toxic boss from 2010 or that company that didn't appreciate them in 2015.

Why are you giving free rent in your head to a place that stopped paying you years ago?

Those experiences shaped you, sure. They taught you what you don't want. But holding onto the resentment? That's just keeping you stuck in a chapter you've already finished reading.

4. Friendships that expired naturally

Not every friendship is meant to last forever, and that's okay. Some people are meant to be in your life for a season, not a lifetime.

Yet we hold onto guilt about friendships that faded. We feel bad that we don't talk to our high school best friend anymore. We stress about not keeping in touch with college roommates.

Relationships evolve. People grow in different directions. Trying to maintain every friendship you've ever had is like trying to wear every piece of clothing you've ever owned at the same time. It doesn't work, and it's uncomfortable as hell.

5. Your parents' dreams for your life

How old were you when you realized you were living someone else's dream? Twenty-five? Thirty? Forty?

Many of us spend decades trying to fulfill our parents' vision for our lives. Maybe they wanted you to be a doctor, and you became one, even though you hate it. Maybe they valued stability, so you chose the safe path even though your soul craves adventure.

Your parents did their best with what they knew. But their dreams were shaped by their experiences, their fears, their limitations. You don't have to carry those forward.

6. The shame of old mistakes

We all have that collection of greatest hits playing on repeat in our minds. The time you said the wrong thing. The opportunity you missed. The relationship you ruined.

But here's what Buddhism taught me about suffering: much of it comes from our attachment to the story we tell ourselves about who we are. And that includes the story of our mistakes.

In Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I discuss how acknowledging impermanence helps us understand that who we were isn't who we are. The person who made those mistakes? They're not you anymore.

7. The weight of everyone else's opinions

When did we start believing that everyone else's opinion of us matters more than our own?

We hold onto criticism from people we don't even like. We shape our lives around what "they" might think. But who are "they" anyway? Usually, it's a handful of people whose opinions we've inflated to represent the whole world.

The truth? Most people are too busy worrying about their own lives to spend much time judging yours. And the ones who do? Well, that says more about them than it does about you.

8. Outdated definitions of success

Maybe you grew up believing success meant a corner office, a six-figure salary, and a house in the suburbs. But now you're there, and you feel empty.

Or maybe you're not there, and you feel like a failure.

Either way, you're measuring your life with someone else's ruler. Success isn't universal. What filled your parents' cup might leave yours bone dry.

Having a daughter has taught me more about presence and letting go than any meditation retreat ever did. Watching her find joy in the simplest things reminds me that success might just be about being present for the moments that matter.

9. The belief that struggle equals worth

Somewhere along the way, many of us picked up the belief that unless we're struggling, we're not trying hard enough. That ease is laziness. That if something comes naturally, it doesn't count.

This is exhausting, and it's wrong.

You don't have to suffer to deserve good things. You don't have to struggle to prove your worth. Sometimes the right path feels easy because it's RIGHT, not because you're doing it wrong.

10. The life you thought you'd have by now

This might be the heaviest bag of all. The vision you had at twenty-two of where you'd be by thirty, forty, or fifty.

Maybe you thought you'd be married by now. Maybe you thought you'd have made your fortune. Maybe you thought you'd have it all figured out.

But life rarely follows the timeline we set for it. And thank goodness for that, because the life you planned might have been too small for who you've become.

Final words

Letting go isn't about forgetting or pretending things didn't happen. It's about choosing not to carry them forward. It's about recognizing that every moment you spend hauling around old weight is a moment you're not free to embrace what's in front of you.

Start small. Pick one thing from this list that resonated with you. Notice how it feels in your body when you think about it. Then ask yourself: What would happen if I just... let this go?

The art of letting go is really the art of making space. Space for new experiences, new perspectives, new versions of yourself.

You've been strong enough to carry all this weight for years, even decades. Imagine how far you could go if you finally set it down.