When your once-chatty children suddenly become closed books in adulthood, the painful truth might be that your well-intentioned parenting habits are actually pushing them away.
Remember when your kids used to tell you everything? Every scraped knee, every friendship drama, every little triumph at school?
I've been thinking about this lately because I recently had coffee with my mom, and halfway through our conversation, she asked why I never tell her anything anymore. The question caught me off guard. I do tell her things, just not... everything. Not like I used to.
And you know what? There's a reason for that.
As I've gotten older and watched my relationship with my parents evolve, I've noticed patterns. Some behaviors that well-meaning parents do can actually push their adult children away without them even realizing it. If you're wondering why your grown kids seem to keep you at arm's length these days, it might be time for some honest reflection.
Let me walk you through six behaviors that could be creating distance between you and your adult children. And before you get defensive (I see you reaching for that "but I'm just trying to help" card), remember that recognizing these patterns is the first step toward building a closer relationship.
1. You still treat them like they're teenagers
Do you find yourself giving unsolicited advice about everything from their career choices to how they load the dishwasher? Yeah, that might be the problem.
When I told my parents I was leaving my finance job to become a writer, the first thing out of my mother's mouth was, "But you worked so hard for that degree!" She still introduces me as "my daughter who worked in finance" rather than acknowledging what I do now. It stings every single time.
Your adult children have their own lives, their own experiences, and yes, their own ways of doing things. When you constantly offer corrections or suggestions, what you're really saying is that you don't trust their judgment. And who wants to share details about their life with someone who's just going to critique every decision?
The fix? Bite your tongue unless they specifically ask for advice. Trust that you raised them well enough to figure things out on their own.
2. You make everything about you
Here's a scenario: Your daughter calls to tell you about a promotion at work. Within two minutes, you're talking about how you never had those opportunities or how proud your friends will be when you tell them. Sound familiar?
I once shared with my mom that I was struggling with anxiety, and somehow the conversation became about how stressed she was raising me as a working mother. I needed support, but instead, I ended up comforting her. Guess how often I bring up personal struggles now?
When your children share something with you, resist the urge to immediately relate it back to your own experiences or feelings. Sometimes they just need you to listen, celebrate with them, or offer a shoulder to lean on without making it about you.
3. You guilt-trip them constantly
"I guess I'll just eat alone again tonight."
"Your cousin calls his mother every day."
"I won't be around forever, you know."
Guilt might get you a reluctant phone call or visit, but it won't get you genuine connection. In fact, it does the opposite. It makes every interaction feel like an obligation rather than a choice.
Nobody wants to share the details of their life with someone who makes them feel bad about how they're living it. If every conversation includes some form of guilt about not calling enough, not visiting enough, or not being enough, don't be surprised when those conversations become less frequent.
Your children's time and attention should come from love, not obligation. Drop the guilt trips and watch how much more willing they become to include you in their lives.
4. You judge their lifestyle choices
Maybe they're not married yet. Maybe they are married but don't want kids. Maybe they're raising their kids differently than you did. Whatever it is, your judgment is showing, and trust me, they notice.
My parents couldn't understand why I'd leave a stable finance career. To them, it was irresponsible, risky, even foolish. Every conversation became a subtle (or not so subtle) reminder that they disapproved. Eventually, I just stopped talking about my work altogether.
Your adult children are living in a different world than the one you raised them in. Their choices might not make sense to you, but that doesn't make them wrong. When you judge their lifestyle, career, relationships, or parenting choices, you're telling them that your love and approval are conditional.
Accept that their path might look different from yours or what you imagined for them. Embrace their choices, even if you don't fully understand them.
5. You violate their boundaries
Showing up unannounced. Calling their workplace. Friending all their friends on social media. Asking deeply personal questions they've already said they're not comfortable discussing.
Boundaries aren't suggestions; they're requirements for healthy relationships. When your adult children set boundaries, they're not trying to hurt you. They're trying to maintain their autonomy while still having a relationship with you.
I had to explicitly tell my mother to stop calling my office because it was unprofessional. She was hurt, said she was just being a caring mother. But respecting that boundary actually improved our relationship because I didn't have to worry about her overstepping anymore.
Respect their boundaries, even if you don't understand them. It shows that you see them as adults worthy of making their own decisions about their lives.
6. You dismiss their feelings
"You're being too sensitive."
"That's not a real problem."
"You don't know what hard is."
When your children try to open up about their struggles, fears, or emotions, and you minimize or dismiss them, you're essentially telling them their feelings don't matter. Why would they continue to share with someone who invalidates their experiences?
Growing up with high-achieving parents, every problem I had was met with a comparison to how much harder they had it. My stress about exams wasn't valid because they had to study by candlelight. My work anxiety wasn't real because at least I had a job. Eventually, I just stopped sharing my struggles altogether.
Your children's problems are real to them, regardless of how they compare to yours or anyone else's. Validate their feelings, even if you don't fully understand them. Sometimes they just need to know you're in their corner.
Final thoughts
If you recognized yourself in any of these behaviors, don't panic. The fact that you're reading this means you care about your relationship with your adult children, and that's huge.
Changing these patterns isn't easy. It requires admitting that maybe, just maybe, the distance in your relationship isn't entirely their fault. It means respecting them as the adults they've become rather than the children they used to be.
Start small. Pick one behavior to work on. Maybe it's holding back unsolicited advice or dropping the guilt trips. Your children might not notice immediately, but over time, they'll feel safer sharing their lives with you.
Remember, your adult children don't owe you every detail of their lives. But if you create a space that's free from judgment, guilt, and criticism, they just might choose to share more. The relationship you have with your adult children can be even richer than the one you had when they were young, but it requires evolving with them.
After all, they're not the only ones who've grown up. You have too. And it's never too late to grow a little more.
