7 phrases toxic people use to slowly destroy your confidence

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling somehow... smaller?

I remember sitting in a coffee shop with someone I considered a close friend, catching up after weeks of not seeing each other. I'd just shared some exciting news about a writing opportunity, and instead of celebrating with me, she said, "Well, good luck with that. Most people can't make a living from writing."

That sinking feeling in my stomach stayed with me for days. It wasn't until much later that I recognized this as part of a pattern. This friend had a way of making me question myself, my choices, and my abilities without ever being overtly cruel.

Toxic people rarely announce themselves with obvious insults or aggressive behavior. Instead, they chip away at your confidence slowly, using phrases that seem innocent on the surface but leave you feeling drained and doubting yourself. After years of both personal experience and studying human behavior, I've learned to spot these verbal weapons disguised as casual conversation.

If you've been feeling less confident lately and can't quite pinpoint why, pay attention. These seven phrases might be coming from someone in your life who's slowly undermining your self-worth.

1. "I'm just being honest"

This phrase is the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card for people who want to say hurtful things without taking responsibility for the damage they cause.

When someone prefaces or follows up their criticism with "I'm just being honest," they're essentially saying their need to express their opinion matters more than your feelings. They hide behind the virtue of honesty while delivering unnecessary criticism that serves no constructive purpose.

A former colleague used to do this constantly. She'd say things like, "That presentation was pretty basic, but I'm just being honest," or "Your idea isn't that original, just being honest here." There's a massive difference between constructive feedback and using honesty as an excuse to be cruel.

Real honesty comes with kindness and consideration. If someone truly cares about you, they'll find ways to share difficult truths that help you grow, not tear you down.

2. "You're too sensitive"

Ah, the classic gaslighting phrase. When you react to someone's hurtful behavior or words, and they respond with "You're too sensitive," they're essentially telling you that your feelings aren't valid.

This phrase shifts the blame from their behavior to your reaction. Instead of taking responsibility for saying something hurtful, they make you the problem. You start questioning whether you really are overreacting, whether your feelings are justified, whether you have the right to be upset.

I spent years in a friendship where every time I brought up something that bothered me, I was told I was being too sensitive. Eventually, I stopped speaking up altogether. My feelings weren't too much; the other person's empathy was too little.

Your sensitivity is not a flaw. It's what makes you human. Anyone who consistently tells you you're too sensitive is probably not sensitive enough to your needs.

3. "No offense, but..."

Here's a universal truth: anything that follows "no offense, but" is going to be offensive. This phrase is like saying "I'm about to insult you, but if you get upset, that's on you because I warned you."

People use this as a shield, thinking it somehow neutralizes the sting of their words. "No offense, but that outfit doesn't really work," or "No offense, but you're not really cut out for that job." They get to deliver their judgment while pretending they're being considerate of your feelings.

During my finance days, I had a supervisor who loved this phrase. "No offense, but your analysis could be stronger," he'd say, never offering specific feedback or guidance. It was criticism without purpose, judgment without help.

If someone truly doesn't mean to offend, they'll find a better way to communicate. This phrase is just a lazy attempt to avoid accountability for hurtful words.

4. "You always..." or "You never..."

Absolute statements like these are relationship poison. They take one behavior or mistake and turn it into a character assessment, painting you as someone who's perpetually failing.

"You always mess things up." "You never listen." "You always make everything about yourself." These phrases leave no room for growth, change, or the complex reality of being human. They box you into a negative identity that becomes harder and harder to escape.

I once ended a friendship with someone who constantly competed with me and would say things like, "You always have to one-up everyone" whenever I shared good news. The irony wasn't lost on me, but the constant negative labeling took its toll. I started censoring myself around her, dimming my own light to avoid her criticism.

Watch out for people who speak in absolutes about your character. They're not interested in understanding you; they're interested in defining you on their terms.

5. "I was just joking"

This is the toxic person's escape hatch when they've said something cruel and you've called them on it. They deliver an insult disguised as humor, and when you don't laugh, suddenly you're the one who can't take a joke.

"Your presentation was a disaster, haha!" followed by "What? I was just joking!" when you don't find it funny. These aren't jokes; they're jabs wrapped in false humor. Real jokes are funny for everyone involved, not just the person telling them.

The "just joking" defense is particularly insidious because it makes you doubt your own perception. Were they really joking? Are you being too serious? The confusion is the point. It keeps you off-balance and questioning yourself rather than their behavior.

6. "You're overreacting"

Similar to "you're too sensitive," this phrase invalidates your emotional response to their behavior. It's a way of minimizing your feelings and making you question whether your reaction is appropriate.

When someone tells you you're overreacting, they're essentially saying your feelings are wrong. But here's the thing: you get to decide what hurts you. You get to decide what crosses your boundaries. Your reactions are based on your experiences, your values, and your emotional landscape.

After being passed over for promotion twice despite outperforming male colleagues, I expressed my frustration to a friend who responded with, "You're overreacting. Maybe they just weren't the right opportunities for you." That dismissal of systemic inequality as me "overreacting" taught me to be more selective about who I share my struggles with.

7. "If you really cared about me, you would..."

This phrase is emotional manipulation at its finest. It ties your love, friendship, or care to specific actions that benefit the other person. It's a guilt trip designed to make you do what they want by questioning your commitment to the relationship.

"If you really cared about me, you'd skip your workout to hang out." "If you were really my friend, you'd lend me that money." This phrase turns relationships into transactions and makes you constantly prove your worth through sacrifice.

Real relationships don't require constant proof. People who care about you won't make you jump through hoops to demonstrate your feelings. They won't use your care as leverage to get what they want.

Final thoughts

Recognizing these phrases is the first step in protecting your confidence from people who would slowly erode it. Sometimes these phrases come from people who don't realize the damage they're doing. Other times, they're deliberate tools of manipulation.

Either way, you don't have to accept them. You can set boundaries, call out the behavior, or distance yourself from people who consistently use these phrases. Your confidence is precious, and it deserves to be protected from those who would chip away at it, one toxic phrase at a time.

Remember, the way people talk to you eventually becomes the way you talk to yourself. Choose to surround yourself with voices that build you up, not tear you down. You deserve conversations that leave you feeling energized and valued, not questioning your worth.

Trust your instincts. If someone's words consistently make you feel small, confused, or wrong, that's not a you problem. That's a them problem. And you have every right to protect your peace and confidence from their toxic influence.