While they smile warmly and say all the right things, these master manipulators leave a trail of subtle red flags that your gut instincts have been trying to warn you about all along.
You know that feeling when someone seems perfectly nice, but something just feels... off?
I had a colleague a few years back who was always smiling, always offering to help, always saying the right things. Everyone loved this person. But after working closely with them for months, I started noticing patterns that made me uncomfortable. The helpful gestures came with strings attached. The compliments were followed by subtle digs. The smile never quite reached their eyes.
It took me a while to realize what my psychology background should have made obvious: genuine kindness and surface-level niceness are two very different things.
We've all met people like this. They've mastered the art of appearing kind while harboring less-than-kind intentions. They know exactly what to say and when to say it, but their actions tell a different story.
So how can you spot these wolves in sheep's clothing? Here are ten signs that someone might not be as kind as they appear on the surface.
1. They're only nice when they need something
Ever notice how some people suddenly become your best friend when they need a favor?
These folks have perfected the art of strategic kindness. They'll shower you with attention and compliments when they want something, then vanish into thin air once they get it.
Real kindness doesn't operate on a transaction basis. It flows naturally, without expectation of return. If someone's warmth feels like it has an on/off switch controlled by their needs, that's your first red flag.
Watch for patterns. Do they only reach out when they need help moving, want a professional connection, or need emotional support? Do they disappear when you're the one who could use a hand?
2. They gossip about others to you
Here's something I learned the hard way: if someone is constantly sharing other people's secrets with you, they're definitely sharing yours with others.
People who genuinely care about others don't use their struggles or private information as entertainment. They don't bond with you by tearing others down.
In my book "Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego", I discuss how true compassion means holding space for others even when they're not in the room. A kind person protects people's dignity, whether they're present or not.
Pay attention to how someone talks about mutual friends, coworkers, or even strangers. Do they focus on flaws and failures? Do they seem to enjoy others' misfortunes a little too much?
3. They keep score
"Remember when I helped you with that project?"
"I drove you to the airport that one time."
"After everything I've done for you..."
Sound familiar?
Genuinely kind people don't keep a mental ledger of their good deeds. They help because they want to, not to build up credits they can cash in later.
This scorekeeping mentality reveals a fundamental misunderstanding of what kindness actually is. It turns relationships into competitions and generosity into manipulation.
4. Their kindness has an audience
Some people's kindness seems to require witnesses.
They'll make grand gestures in public, post every charitable act on social media, and ensure everyone knows just how generous they are. But when no one's watching? That's when their true nature shows.
I once knew someone who would make a big show of buying coffee for the team every Monday morning, announcing it loudly as they walked through the office. But when a coworker privately asked for help with a personal crisis, they were suddenly "too busy."
Genuine kindness doesn't need applause. It happens in quiet moments, without fanfare or recognition.
5. They use kindness as a weapon
This one's subtle but devastating.
These people weaponize their "kindness" to make you feel guilty, inferior, or indebted. They'll do something nice for you, then immediately use it as leverage to control or manipulate you.
"I can't believe you'd say that after how nice I've been to you."
"Most people would be grateful for what I've done."
This isn't kindness. It's emotional manipulation dressed up in a kind costume.
6. They lack empathy for those they see as "beneath" them
Want to see someone's true character? Watch how they treat people they don't need anything from.
How do they interact with servers, retail workers, or cleaning staff? Do they acknowledge the homeless person on the street, or look right through them? Are they patient with elderly people who move slowly in line?
As I explore in "Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego", true compassion doesn't discriminate based on social status or what someone can offer us.
A person who's only kind to those they perceive as equals or superiors isn't actually kind at all.
7. They can't celebrate others' successes
When you share good news with a genuinely kind person, their joy for you is real and immediate.
But some people? They respond to your promotion with a backhanded compliment. Your engagement announcement is met with warnings about divorce rates. Your weight loss success triggers comments about how "lucky" you are to have good genetics.
These people can't genuinely celebrate others because someone else's success feels like their failure. They might say the right words, but you can feel the insincerity.
8. They always play the victim
No matter what happens, it's never their fault.
They hurt someone? They were provoked. They failed to follow through? Circumstances beyond their control. They said something cruel? You're being too sensitive.
This perpetual victim mentality prevents them from taking responsibility for their actions and their impact on others. Kind people own their mistakes and make genuine apologies. They don't deflect blame or minimize the hurt they've caused.
9. They give backhanded compliments
"You look great! Have you lost weight? You really needed to."
"Your presentation was good, especially considering you had such short notice."
"I love how you just wear whatever you want without caring what people think."
These aren't compliments. They're insults wrapped in pretty paper.
Genuinely kind people build others up without tearing them down in the same breath. Their compliments don't come with conditions, comparisons, or subtle digs.
10. They disappear during tough times
When life gets messy, fake-nice people are nowhere to be found.
Lost your job? They're suddenly super busy. Going through a breakup? They don't want to "take sides." Dealing with illness or grief? They're uncomfortable with "heavy stuff."
Real kindness shows up when things get hard. It sits with you in your pain, offers support without judgment, and doesn't require you to be fun or entertaining to deserve care.
Final words
Learning to spot these signs changed how I navigate relationships. My psychology background taught me about human behavior patterns, but real life taught me to trust my instincts when something feels off.
Not everyone who seems nice actually has your best interests at heart. Some people have learned to mimic kindness because it gets them what they want. They've studied the gestures and phrases, but they haven't developed the genuine care and empathy that real kindness requires.
Trust your gut when someone's niceness feels performative or conditional. You're not being paranoid or judgmental. You're protecting your energy and choosing to invest in relationships with people whose kindness runs deeper than surface-level pleasantries.
Remember, genuinely kind people don't just act nice when it benefits them. Their kindness is consistent, quiet, and comes without strings attached. They show up in both sunshine and storms, celebrate your wins without jealousy, and treat everyone with respect regardless of what they can offer in return.
Once you know what to look for, the difference becomes impossible to ignore.
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Lachlan Brown
Lachlan Brown is a psychology graduate, mindfulness enthusiast, and the bestselling author of Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How to Live with Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego. Based between Vietnam and Singapore, Lachlan is passionate about blending Eastern wisdom with modern well-being practices.
As the founder of several digital publications, Lachlan has reached millions with his clear, compassionate writing on self-development, relationships, and conscious living. He believes that conscious choices in how we live and connect with others can create powerful ripple effects.
When he’s not writing or running his media business, you’ll find him riding his bike through the streets of Saigon, practicing Vietnamese with his wife, or enjoying a strong black coffee during his time in Singapore.
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