Learning to be strategically selfish saved my relationships, career, and sanity—and it started with a breakdown in my office parking lot at 36, when I realized I'd become everyone's go-to person except my own.
Have you ever found yourself sitting in your car after work, dreading going home because you promised to help your neighbor move furniture, then attend your cousin's party you really don't want to go to, all while you haven't had a proper meal or moment to yourself in weeks?
That was me at 36, gripping the steering wheel in my office parking lot, realizing I'd become everyone's go-to person except my own. The burnout that followed wasn't just exhaustion. It was my body and mind staging a full-scale rebellion against years of putting everyone else first.
Through therapy and a lot of uncomfortable self-reflection, I discovered something that changed everything: being selfish isn't always bad. In fact, strategic selfishness might be the most generous thing you can do for the people you love.
When you're running on empty, you have nothing left to give. But when you prioritize your own well-being? You show up as a better partner, friend, parent, and colleague. You become someone who gives from abundance, not obligation.
Here are eight ways to practice necessary selfishness that will ultimately make you more valuable to everyone around you.
1) Say no without explaining yourself
"No" is a complete sentence. Yet how many of us launch into elaborate explanations when we decline an invitation or request?
I used to craft these intricate excuses whenever I couldn't take on another project or attend another event. The truth? Most people don't need or want your dissertation on why you can't make it to their tupperware party.
When you simply say, "That won't work for me," you teach people to respect your decisions. You also free up mental energy you'd otherwise spend justifying yourself. That energy can go toward things that actually matter to you.
Your friends want you at your best, not stretched thin and resentful. By protecting your time, you ensure that when you do show up, you're fully present.
2) Take the promotion even if someone else wants it
Remember when we were kids and got told to share everything? That programming runs deep, especially for those of us raised as "gifted children" who learned early that our worth came from making others happy.
At 37, I had the chance to transition from financial analysis to full-time writing. A colleague was also interested in a similar pivot. The old me would have stepped aside, convinced they deserved it more.
But here's what I learned: dimming your light doesn't make anyone else's shine brighter. When you go after what you want professionally, you model ambition and self-advocacy for others. You show your kids, friends, and colleagues that it's okay to pursue dreams.
Plus, when you're in a role that truly fits you, you perform better. Everyone benefits from you being in the right position, doing work that energizes rather than drains you.
3) Invest in your health before helping others with theirs
How many times have you driven someone to their doctor's appointment while postponing your own checkup? Or meal-prepped for a sick friend while surviving on takeout and coffee?
There's a reason flight attendants tell you to put your oxygen mask on first. You literally cannot help others if you're gasping for air.
When I finally prioritized my trail running and started treating my meal prep as non-negotiable, something shifted. Not only did I have more energy, but I became a resource for friends wanting to get healthier. I could share what actually worked because I was living it.
Your health isn't selfish. It's the foundation that allows you to show up for others sustainably.
4) Set boundaries with family about your life choices
Family boundaries might be the hardest to establish. These are the people who changed your diapers or grew up alongside you. Surely they deserve input on your major life decisions?
Not really.
Learning to tell my parents that certain topics about my career change were off-limits felt like betrayal at first. But you know what happened? Our relationship improved. Without the constant need to defend my choices, I could actually enjoy their company.
When you stop letting family members treat you like a democracy where everyone gets a vote, you create space for genuine connection. They learn to respect you as an autonomous adult, and conversations become less about judgment and more about support.
5) Rest without earning it
This one took me years to learn. I believed rest was something you earned after completing everything on your to-do list. Spoiler alert: that list never ends.
For those of us raised to believe productivity equals virtue, taking a nap or spending Sunday reading feels almost criminal. But chronic exhaustion makes you irritable, unfocused, and frankly, not much fun to be around.
When you rest proactively rather than collapsing from exhaustion, you maintain steady energy. You become more reliable because you're not constantly cycling between overdrive and burnout.
6) Keep some dreams private
Not everyone deserves access to your aspirations. Some dreams need protection while they're still fragile seedlings.
When I was considering leaving my six-figure salary, I kept it quiet for months. Not because I was ashamed, but because I needed space to explore without outside opinions clouding my judgment.
Protecting your dreams isn't about secrecy. It's about giving yourself room to figure things out without managing other people's reactions. When you finally share, you're presenting a decision, not seeking permission.
7) Choose your comfort over social expectations
If you hate nightclubs, stop going to nightclubs. If large gatherings drain you, stop forcing yourself to attend every wedding, baby shower, and birthday party.
Showing up authentically means honoring your own preferences. When you stop forcing yourself into situations that deplete you, you have more energy for connections that actually nourish you.
Your real friends want you comfortable and happy, not performing social obligations through gritted teeth.
8) Demand reciprocity in relationships
One-sided relationships aren't noble. They're unsustainable.
If you're always the one listening, supporting, and showing up while getting crumbs in return, that's not friendship. It's free therapy for them and emotional labor for you.
Expecting reciprocity isn't selfish. It's having standards. When you require balanced relationships, you teach people how to be better friends. You also free yourself from connections that drain rather than sustain you.
Final thoughts
The word "selfish" has been weaponized, especially against women, to keep us small, compliant, and perpetually available. But there's an art to necessary selfishness that makes you more, not less, valuable to others.
When you fill your own cup first, you give from overflow rather than reserves. You become someone people want to be around because you're energized, not exhausted. You model healthy boundaries that inspire others to set their own.
The paradox is beautiful: the more you prioritize yourself, the more you have to offer. Your presence becomes a gift rather than an obligation. Your help comes from genuine desire rather than guilty compulsion.
Start small. Pick one area where you've been neglecting yourself and make a change this week. Notice how it affects not just you, but everyone around you.
Because here's the truth I learned in that parking lot at 36: you can't pour from an empty cup, but when you're overflowing? Everyone around you benefits from the spillover.
