When someone insists their way is the "traditional" way while dismissing your choices, they might not be protecting values—they could be protecting themselves from the terrifying work of personal growth.
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Ever notice how some people use "traditional values" like a shield against any kind of personal growth or self-reflection?
I've been thinking about this a lot lately, especially after a conversation with an old colleague from my financial analyst days. She was complaining about her daughter wanting to pursue a non-traditional career path, and every other sentence started with "In my day..." or "Traditional values taught us..."
But here's what struck me: she wasn't actually talking about values at all. She was talking about fear. Fear of change, fear of being wrong, fear of having to question beliefs she'd held for decades.
This got me wondering about all the times I've seen people hide behind the comfort of "tradition" when what they're really doing is avoiding the uncomfortable work of growth. And trust me, after leaving a six-figure salary at 37 to become a writer, I know firsthand how terrifying it can be to step outside conventional expectations.
So let's talk about the telltale signs that someone's "traditional values" might actually be a convenient excuse to stay stuck.
1) They use tradition to justify treating certain people as less capable
You know the type. They'll say things like "I believe in traditional roles" when what they really mean is they're uncomfortable with women in leadership or men showing vulnerability.
I spent almost 20 years as a financial analyst, and I can't tell you how many times I heard variations of "Women just aren't as naturally suited for high-stakes financial decisions." Funny how these "traditional" beliefs always seemed to surface right around promotion time.
Being passed over twice despite outperforming male colleagues taught me that sometimes "tradition" is just discrimination wearing a Sunday suit.
Real values stand up to scrutiny. If someone can't explain why their "traditional value" makes sense beyond "that's how it's always been done," they're probably using it as an excuse to avoid examining their biases.
2) They resist learning new skills or adapting to change
"I don't need to learn that computer stuff. We did just fine with paper and pen."
Sound familiar? While there's nothing wrong with appreciating older methods, using "traditional values" to avoid learning new skills is often about fear, not principle.
When I switched careers, I had to learn entirely new writing platforms, social media strategies, and digital marketing basics. Was it uncomfortable? Absolutely. But growth always is.
People who genuinely value tradition find ways to honor the past while embracing necessary changes. Those who refuse? They're usually just scared of feeling incompetent while learning something new.
3) They shut down conversations about mental health or emotions
Have you ever tried talking to someone about therapy or emotional wellbeing only to hear "We didn't need all that in my day. We just dealt with things"?
My burnout at 38 was a breakdown that became a breakthrough, but only because I finally stopped believing that seeking help was somehow weak or modern nonsense. The "traditional" approach of stuffing everything down and powering through nearly destroyed me.
Here's what I've learned: using tradition to avoid dealing with emotions isn't strength. It's the opposite. Real strength means facing what's happening inside you, even when previous generations didn't have the tools or permission to do so.
4) They dismiss other cultures or ways of living
This one really gets me. When someone says their traditional values are superior to everyone else's traditions, what they're really saying is they've never bothered to learn about or respect different perspectives.
Working in finance, I collaborated with people from all over the world. The colleagues who insisted their way was the only "traditional" way? They were usually the ones who missed out on innovative solutions and creative problem-solving that came from diverse viewpoints.
True traditional values include respect and humility. If your "values" require putting down how other people live, you're not preserving tradition. You're preserving ignorance.
5) They use "family values" to control adult children's choices
This hits close to home for me. When I left finance to pursue writing, I had to confront my parents' disappointment and realize I couldn't live for their approval. They kept talking about "family tradition" and how I was "throwing away everything they worked for."
But whose life was I living?
Parents who truly value family support their children's growth, even when it looks different from what they imagined. Using "traditional family values" to guilt or manipulate adult children into specific life paths? That's not love. That's control dressed up in nostalgic clothing.
6) They refuse to acknowledge systemic problems
"If people just worked harder like we did..."
"In my day, we didn't complain about inequality..."
"Traditional values taught us to be grateful for what we had..."
Recognize these phrases? They're often used to dismiss real issues like wage gaps, discrimination, or lack of opportunities.
Having experienced systemic inequality firsthand in my corporate career, I know that sometimes "traditional values" are used to protect unfair systems. Real values include justice and fairness. If your traditions require ignoring injustice, maybe it's time to examine what you're really defending.
7) They mistake stubbornness for principle
Here's a question worth asking: When was the last time this person changed their mind about something significant?
People genuinely guided by values, traditional or otherwise, can still learn, grow, and occasionally realize they were wrong. But those using "tradition" as an excuse? They'll dig in their heels on everything, treating flexibility like betrayal.
I used to think leaving a stable career meant I was irresponsible. I held onto that belief way longer than it served me because I confused being stubborn with having principles. Real principles can withstand questions and evolve with new understanding.
Final thoughts
Look, I'm not anti-tradition. There's real wisdom in many traditional practices and values. The question is whether someone's using tradition as a guide for living well or as an excuse for not growing.
The difference usually comes down to fear versus love. Are they preserving traditions out of love for what those practices bring to life? Or are they clinging to them out of fear of change, fear of being wrong, fear of having to do the hard work of growth?
Next time someone throws "traditional values" into a conversation, pay attention. Are they using it to build bridges or walls? To open possibilities or close them off? To grow or to stay stuck?
Because real values, traditional or otherwise, should help us become better versions of ourselves. If they're keeping us small, scared, or cruel, then maybe they're not really values at all. They're just excuses with a respectable name.
