Many parents expressed deep love through worry, work, and well-meaning criticism—not because they didn't care, but because they never learned the emotional language we desperately needed to hear.
Growing up, we often measure our parents' love through the lens of what we needed as children, not what they were capable of giving as imperfect humans navigating their own struggles.
I spent years wondering if my parents truly loved me. They rarely said "I love you," hugs were awkward and brief, and emotional conversations were practically non-existent. It wasn't until my late thirties, after years of therapy and self-reflection, that I realized something profound: love doesn't always look like what we expect it to.
Sometimes our parents loved us deeply but simply didn't have the emotional tools or language to express it the way we needed. They were products of their own upbringings, their own traumas, their own limitations. And often, their love showed up in unexpected, sometimes confusing ways.
If you've ever questioned whether your parents truly cared, these behaviors might help you see their love through a different lens.
1. They constantly worried about your future
Did your parents obsess over your grades, your college choices, or your career path? Mine certainly did. Every dinner conversation somehow circled back to test scores and future prospects. As a kid, it felt suffocating. I thought they cared more about my achievements than about me.
But here's what I understand now: for many parents, especially those who grew up with financial instability or limited opportunities, ensuring your future success is how they say "I love you." My father, an engineer who worked his way up from a working-class background, equated security with love. Every lecture about studying harder, every push toward a "stable" career, was his way of trying to protect me from struggles he'd faced.
Psychologists explain that parents often project their own fears onto their children's futures. When your parents fretted about your prospects, they were really saying, "I'm terrified of you suffering, and this is the only way I know how to help."
2. They criticized you "for your own good"
"You'd be so pretty if you just lost a few pounds." "Why can't you be more like your cousin?" "You're too sensitive."
Sound familiar? These comments sting, and they can leave lasting scars. But sometimes, especially for parents who grew up in harsh environments, criticism feels like preparation. They believed they were toughening you up for a cruel world.
This doesn't make it right or less painful. But understanding the intention behind the behavior can help with healing. Many parents genuinely believed that pointing out your flaws would help you fix them before the world did it more cruelly.
3. They worked constantly
Growing up, I resented how much my parents worked. My mother graded papers every evening, and my father often brought engineering projects home. Family dinners were rushed, vacations were rare, and I felt like work always came first.
Years later, I asked my mother about this. She looked surprised and said, "Everything I did was for you. Every extra hour, every promotion I chased, it was all so you could have opportunities I never had."
For many parents, especially those who experienced poverty or instability, providing materially IS love. The long hours, the missed recitals, the constant exhaustion, it was all their way of saying, "I love you enough to sacrifice my comfort for your security."
4. They compared you to others
Few things hurt quite like hearing your parents talk about how well other kids were doing. "Sarah's daughter got into medical school." "The neighbor's son bought his first house at 25."
What felt like rejection was often their clumsy attempt at motivation. Many parents, especially those from competitive cultures or backgrounds, believe that comparison will inspire you to reach higher. They saw it as showing you what's possible, not realizing it felt like you were never enough.
5. They dismissed your emotions
"Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." "You're being too dramatic." "Just get over it."
These phrases can echo in our heads for decades. But consider this: many of our parents grew up in households where emotions were seen as weakness or luxury. They never learned emotional vocabulary or validation techniques because no one taught them.
When they dismissed your feelings, they might have been trying to make you "strong" the only way they knew how. Or they might have been so uncomfortable with emotions themselves that they couldn't handle yours.
6. They rarely talked about their own feelings
I knew my parents' work schedules, their food preferences, their political opinions. But their fears? Their dreams? Their emotional struggles? Complete mystery.
This emotional unavailability can feel like distance or disinterest. But for many parents, especially those from older generations, vulnerability equals weakness. They believed their job was to be strong for you, to be the stable foundation. Sharing their struggles would have felt like failing in that role.
Breaking this pattern took years. It wasn't until I started sharing my own mental health journey that my parents began opening up about theirs, revealing depths of feeling I never knew existed.
7. They showed love through food
Did your parent's answer to every problem involve food? Sad? Here's your favorite meal. Sick? Homemade soup. Celebrating? Special dinner.
Food as love is ancient and cross-cultural. When words fail, when emotions are too complex, food becomes the language. That carefully prepared meal, the packed lunch with a extra treat, the insistence that you eat more, it's all love served on a plate.
8. They saved everything from your childhood
My mother kept every report card, every drawing, every trophy in carefully labeled boxes. At the time, I thought she was just organized. Now I see it differently.
Parents who struggle to express emotions often pour their love into preservation. Every saved memento is proof of attention paid, of moments cherished, of a love that couldn't find words but needed to hold onto evidence of your existence in their life.
9. They gave advice instead of comfort
When you came to them upset, did they immediately jump to fixing instead of just listening? "Well, here's what you should do..." instead of "I'm sorry you're going through this."
This problem-solving response often comes from love mixed with helplessness. They couldn't bear to see you in pain, and offering solutions felt more useful than sitting with your discomfort. They were trying to love you by eliminating your problems, not realizing you sometimes just needed to be heard.
Finding peace with imperfect love
Recognizing these patterns doesn't mean you have to forgive everything or maintain relationships that harm you. Some parents, despite their love, cause real damage that requires boundaries and healing.
But for many of us, understanding the language our parents spoke, even when it wasn't the language we needed, can bring a certain peace. It allows us to see them as flawed humans doing their best with limited tools rather than as people who chose not to love us properly.
The work now is twofold: healing from what we didn't receive and choosing to love ourselves and others with the emotional intelligence our parents might not have had. We can break the cycle, honoring their love while choosing to express our own more fully.
Your parents might have loved you imperfectly, but that doesn't mean you were unloved. Sometimes, recognizing that truth is the first step toward healing.
