7 red flags that reveal your partner doesn't truly appreciate you (Valentine's Day or not)

Valentine's Day just passed, and while scrolling through social media, I couldn't help but notice the stark contrast between the elaborate displays of affection and the quiet reality many of us face. It reminded me of my late twenties when I was in what looked like a perfect relationship from the outside. My partner showered me with gifts on special occasions, but when I landed a major promotion that required longer hours, his support evaporated faster than morning dew. That experience taught me that true appreciation shows up in the everyday moments, not just when Hallmark tells us to celebrate.

Whether you're navigating a new romance or years into a partnership, recognizing when someone genuinely values you versus going through the motions can be tricky. We often make excuses for behaviors that deep down, we know signal something's off. Trust me, I've been there, rationalizing away the signs that were staring me right in the face.

So how do you know if your partner truly appreciates you or if you're settling for less than you deserve? Let's explore seven red flags that might indicate your partner isn't giving you the appreciation you need and deserve.

1. They dismiss your achievements

Ever shared exciting news with your partner only to get a lukewarm "that's nice" in response? When I was transitioning from finance to writing, I remember telling my then-boyfriend about my first published article. His response? "Cool, but when are you going to get a real job again?" That stung more than any breakup ever could.

A partner who appreciates you celebrates your wins, big and small. They understand that your achievements aren't competition for their own success but rather something to champion together. If your partner consistently minimizes your accomplishments, changes the subject to their own achievements, or worse, makes you feel guilty for succeeding, that's a bright red flag waving in your face.

Pay attention to their reaction when good things happen to you. Do they share your joy, or do they find ways to rain on your parade? The answer tells you everything about how much they value your growth and happiness.

2. Your feelings are constantly invalidated

"You're being too sensitive." "You're overreacting." "Can't you take a joke?"

Sound familiar? If these phrases are part of your partner's regular vocabulary, you might be dealing with someone who doesn't truly appreciate your emotional experience. I learned this lesson the hard way during couples therapy, where our counselor pointed out how dismissing feelings had become a toxic pattern in my relationship.

When someone appreciates you, they recognize that your feelings are valid, even if they don't fully understand them. They ask questions, show curiosity about your perspective, and make efforts to understand rather than immediately jumping to defend themselves or tell you why you're wrong.

A partner who values you will say things like "Help me understand why that hurt you" instead of "You shouldn't feel that way." The difference might seem subtle, but the impact on your emotional wellbeing is massive.

3. They only show up when it's convenient

Here's a question worth asking yourself: Is your partner there for you when life gets messy, or only when everything's Instagram-perfect?

I once dated someone who was all about the fun times. Date nights? Check. Weekend getaways? Absolutely. But when work stress had me pulling all-nighters or when I needed support dealing with family drama, he was mysteriously busy or emotionally unavailable. That selective presence speaks volumes about how much someone truly values being your partner versus just enjoying the perks of a relationship.

Real appreciation means showing up for the mundane Tuesday evenings and the 2 AM anxiety attacks, not just the Saturday night dinners and holiday parties. If your partner consistently has excuses for why they can't be there during your tough times but magically appears when life is good, that's not appreciation. That's convenience.

4. Your boundaries are treated as suggestions

Remember when you told your partner you needed Sunday mornings for your solo activities, yet they keep scheduling things during that time? Or when you've expressed discomfort with certain jokes, but they keep making them anyway?

Boundaries aren't obstacles to love; they're the framework that allows healthy love to flourish. A partner who appreciates you sees your boundaries as important information about how to love you better, not as challenges to overcome or ignore.

During my finance days, I had strict boundaries about not discussing work after 8 PM to preserve my sanity. Partners who respected this boundary showed me they valued my mental health. Those who pushed against it, arguing I was being "too rigid," revealed they valued their desires over my wellbeing.

Watch how your partner responds when you set a boundary. Do they respect it immediately, or do they push back, negotiate, or "forget" repeatedly? Their response shows you exactly how much they value your autonomy and comfort.

5. They make decisions that affect you without consultation

Has your partner ever committed both of you to plans without asking? Made a major purchase that impacts your shared finances without discussion? Invited people to stay in your shared space without checking with you first?

These might seem like communication issues on the surface, but they actually reveal something deeper. When someone truly appreciates you as their partner, they recognize that decisions affecting both of you require both voices. They see you as an equal stakeholder in the relationship, not as someone who'll just adapt to whatever they decide.

I had to learn this lesson myself. Being right mattered less than being kind and inclusive in decision-making. True partnership means considering how your choices impact the person you claim to love, not assuming they'll be fine with whatever you decide.

6. Your love language is ignored

We all have different ways of feeling loved and appreciated. Maybe yours is quality time, while your partner's is acts of service. The beauty of understanding love languages isn't about only giving love in your own language; it's about learning to speak your partner's language too.

If you've communicated that words of affirmation make you feel valued, but your partner never offers genuine compliments or encouragement, that's concerning. If quality time is what fills your cup, but your partner is always distracted by their phone when you're together, pay attention to that pattern.

A partner who appreciates you makes effort to love you in the way you best receive it, even if it doesn't come naturally to them. They might not be perfect at it, but you'll see genuine attempts and improvement over time.

7. They keep score instead of being a team

"I did the dishes yesterday, so you should do them today." "I paid for dinner last time." "You got to choose the movie last week."

Relationships aren't meant to be transactional spreadsheets where every gesture needs to be balanced perfectly. When someone truly appreciates you, they give freely because they want to contribute to your happiness, not because they're building credit for future withdrawals.

After leaving finance, I lost many colleagues I thought were friends. The authentic ones stuck around without keeping track of who called whom last or who picked up more coffee tabs. The same principle applies to romantic relationships. True appreciation manifests as generosity of spirit, where both partners give without constantly calculating what they'll get back.

Final thoughts

Recognizing these red flags doesn't necessarily mean your relationship is doomed. Sometimes, bringing awareness to these patterns can spark meaningful change. Other times, these signs reveal fundamental incompatibilities in how you and your partner approach relationships.

What matters most is that you don't ignore these signals or convince yourself you're asking for too much. You deserve a partner who appreciates you fully, consistently, and authentically. Not just on Valentine's Day or anniversaries, but on random Wednesdays and stressful Mondays too.

If you're seeing multiple red flags, consider having an honest conversation with your partner about your needs. Sometimes people don't realize the impact of their behaviors until it's brought to their attention. But if these patterns persist despite clear communication, it might be time to ask yourself whether this relationship is truly serving you.

Remember, being appreciated isn't about perfection or grand gestures. It's about feeling seen, valued, and respected in the everyday rhythm of your relationship. You deserve nothing less than that, today and every day.