7 phrases emotionally unavailable men use when they want to keep you hooked

Have you ever found yourself completely hooked on someone who seemed just out of reach?

I remember sitting across from a guy I'd been seeing for about three months, feeling like I was constantly trying to decode his mixed signals. One minute he'd pull me close with sweet words, the next he'd push me away with vague excuses. It took me way too long to realize I was caught in the classic emotionally unavailable trap.

If you've been there, you know exactly what I mean. These relationships feel like you're always on the verge of something real, but never quite getting there. And the crazy part? They know exactly what to say to keep you holding on.

After years of both personal experience and countless conversations with friends going through the same thing, I've noticed certain phrases that emotionally unavailable men use like clockwork. They're designed to give you just enough hope to stick around, without them having to actually commit or open up.

Let's break down these phrases so you can spot them from a mile away.

1. "I just need time to figure things out"

This one sounds reasonable at first, doesn't it? We all need time to process our feelings and understand what we want. But here's the thing: when months go by and he's still "figuring things out," it's not about needing time. It's about keeping you in limbo.

I once dated someone who used this line for six months straight. Every time I'd try to have a conversation about where we stood, he'd hit me with this phrase. The truth? He knew exactly what he wanted: the comfort of having me around without the responsibility of a real relationship.

Psychology Today backs this up, noting that emotionally unavailable people often use ambiguity as a shield to avoid deeper connections while maintaining the benefits of companionship.

If someone genuinely needs time, they'll give you a timeframe or at least show progress. They won't use it as a permanent excuse to avoid defining the relationship.

2. "I'm not good at relationships"

When someone tells you this, believe them. But also recognize it for what it is: a get-out-of-jail-free card for bad behavior.

By declaring themselves "bad at relationships," they're essentially warning you not to expect much while simultaneously making you feel special for being the one who might change them. You start thinking, "Maybe I can be the one to show him he's actually great at relationships."

Spoiler alert: you can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed.

This phrase lets them off the hook for putting in effort. Forgot your birthday? Well, he warned you he's bad at relationships. Doesn't want to meet your friends? Same excuse.

3. "I've been hurt before"

Who hasn't been hurt in past relationships? Yet most of us don't use our past pain as a permanent barrier to new connections.

When emotionally unavailable men pull out this phrase, they're doing two things: making you feel sympathy for them and setting up an excuse for why they can't fully commit to you. You become the understanding partner who doesn't push too hard because you don't want to trigger their past trauma.

I learned through couples therapy years ago that while past hurts are real and valid, using them as a shield indefinitely is a choice. Healing is possible, but only when someone wants to heal.

If he's genuinely working through past hurt, you'll see him taking active steps like therapy or self-reflection. If he's just using it as an excuse, the phrase becomes a wall that never comes down.

4. "You're too good for me"

This phrase is particularly insidious because it sounds like a compliment while actually being a cop-out.

Think about it: if you really believed someone was too good for you, wouldn't you either work to become worthy of them or let them go to find someone better? Instead, emotionally unavailable men use this phrase to keep you around while lowering your expectations.

You end up reassuring them that they ARE good enough, that you choose them, that you don't want anyone else. Meanwhile, they get to avoid stepping up to meet you at your level.

A friend once told me, "When a man says you're too good for him, he's telling you exactly how he plans to treat you." And she was absolutely right.

5. "I don't want to hurt you"

Here's what's actually happening when he says this: he's already hurting you by not being fully present in the relationship, and he knows it.

This phrase is meant to make him seem caring and protective, but it's really about avoiding accountability. By saying he doesn't want to hurt you, he's implying that commitment itself would somehow be harmful, or that he's doing you a favor by keeping things casual.

The irony? Stringing someone along with half-promises and mixed signals hurts way more than honest communication ever could.

6. "Let's just see where this goes"

Spontaneity can be exciting in a relationship, but when this phrase becomes the permanent answer to any conversation about the future, it's a red flag.

"Let's see where this goes" keeps you hopeful enough to stay while allowing him to avoid any real commitment or planning. You can't make decisions about your own life because you're waiting to see where things might go with him.

I've noticed that men who are genuinely interested don't leave things completely open-ended. They might not have all the answers, but they're actively participating in creating a direction together, not just drifting along indefinitely.

7. "I'm just really focused on my career right now"

As someone who once ended a relationship in my twenties because I was choosing career over connection, I get the struggle of balancing ambition with relationships. But here's what I learned: when you care about someone, you make room for them.

Using career as a permanent excuse is convenient because it sounds responsible and mature. Who can argue with someone prioritizing their professional growth? But people who want relationships find ways to balance both.

The truth is, being "focused on career" often translates to "I want the comfort of your presence without having to prioritize you." You become the person they text late at night after a long day, but never the person they make actual plans with.

Final thoughts

Recognizing these phrases is the first step to breaking free from the cycle of emotionally unavailable relationships. The hard truth? Someone who wants to be with you won't keep you guessing with vague phrases and empty promises.

I spent too many years trying to decode mixed signals and accepting crumbs of affection. Learning to spot these patterns changed everything for me. Now, when I hear these phrases, I know exactly what they mean: this person isn't ready or willing to show up fully.

You deserve someone who's excited about building something real with you, not someone who keeps you hooked with just enough attention to stop you from leaving. Trust your instincts when these phrases start popping up regularly. Your time and heart are too valuable to waste on someone who can't decide if they want to be there.

Remember, the right person won't make you wonder where you stand. They'll make it clear, with both their words and their actions.