10 signs you’re the kind of person others lean on but rarely thank

Ever feel like you're everyone's personal therapist, problem-solver, and emergency contact rolled into one, yet somehow the thank-you notes never quite make it to your inbox?

I've been there. For years, I was the person everyone called when they needed advice, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to help them move on a Saturday morning.

But when I needed support? The silence was deafening. It took me a long time to realize that being the "reliable one" had become my entire identity, and I'd unknowingly created a dynamic where my help was expected rather than appreciated.

If you're nodding along, you might be in the same boat. Being someone others lean on is a beautiful quality, but when it becomes one-sided, it can leave you feeling drained and overlooked. Let's explore the signs that you've become everyone's unpaid life coach.

1. People share their problems with you before even asking how you are

You know the drill. Your phone rings, and before you can finish saying hello, your friend launches into a twenty-minute story about their latest crisis. They never pause to ask about your day, your week, or that big presentation you mentioned last time.

I used to pride myself on being such a good listener. Through my work mentoring young women entering finance, I learned that sometimes people just need to be heard. But there's a difference between being a supportive friend and being an emotional dumping ground.

When conversations become consistently one-sided, you're not having a friendship; you're providing free therapy.

The kicker? These same people often disappear when you need to vent. They're suddenly busy, distracted, or worse, they turn your problems into a competition about who has it worse.

2. You're always the one organizing and planning

Whether it's coordinating team projects at work, planning friend gatherings, or organizing family events, somehow everything lands on your plate. You've become the default project manager of every social circle you're in.

"Can you handle the reservations?" "Would you mind putting together the schedule?" "You're so good at this stuff!" Sound familiar?

Sure, being organized is a strength. But when everyone automatically assumes you'll handle the logistics without even offering to help, they're taking advantage of your competence.

And the real sting comes when the event goes perfectly, everyone has a great time, but no one acknowledges the hours you spent making it happen.

3. Your boundaries are treated as suggestions

You say you can't help this weekend, but they ask again anyway. You mention you're not available after 9 PM, yet the late-night crisis calls keep coming. You've expressed that certain topics are off-limits, but somehow those conversations keep happening.

This was a huge struggle for me, especially after years of people-pleasing tendencies I'd developed from being labeled a "gifted child" who could handle anything. I thought being helpful meant being available 24/7.

But here's what I learned: when people consistently ignore your boundaries, they're telling you they don't respect your needs as much as their own convenience.

4. People remember you only when they need something

These are the friends who go radio silent for months, then suddenly reappear with a favor to ask. They need a reference letter, a professional connection, advice on their resume, or someone to watch their cat. Once you've helped, they vanish again until the next emergency.

I once had someone reach out after two years of silence, asking if I could introduce them to a contact in my network. After I made the connection, they didn't even send a follow-up message to let me know how it went. That's when I realized I wasn't a friend to them; I was a resource.

5. You're expected to drop everything for others' emergencies

Their crisis becomes your crisis, immediately. They assume you'll rearrange your schedule, cancel your plans, or put your own work on hold to help them out. And if you can't? You're made to feel guilty about it.

People who are consistently available create an expectation of availability. Others start to see your help not as a gift, but as something they're entitled to.

Breaking this pattern can feel uncomfortable at first, but it's essential for your wellbeing.

6. Your own struggles are minimized or overlooked

When you finally share something you're going through, the response is underwhelming. "You'll figure it out, you always do!" or "At least you don't have to deal with what I'm dealing with." Or my personal favorite: "You're so strong, you'll be fine!"

Through mentoring young women considering career changes, I've noticed this pattern repeatedly. The "strong ones" rarely get the support they need because everyone assumes they don't need it. But strength doesn't mean you don't need care, validation, or a listening ear.

7. You give detailed, thoughtful advice that's rarely followed

You spend hours helping someone work through their options, offering insights, sharing resources, even following up to see how things are going. Then you watch them do the exact opposite of everything you discussed, only to come back later with the same problems.

I had to learn to be the friend who listens instead of the friend who problem-solves everything. Sometimes people aren't looking for solutions; they just want to complain.

Recognizing this saved me countless hours of frustration.

8. Credit for your ideas mysteriously goes to others

You suggest a solution in a meeting, and it's met with silence. Five minutes later, someone else repeats your exact idea, and suddenly everyone loves it.

Or you give a friend advice that transforms their situation, but when they tell the story, your role conveniently disappears.

This subtle form of erasure is particularly frustrating because it's hard to call out without seeming petty. But it's a clear sign that your contributions aren't being valued or acknowledged properly.

9. You're the keeper of everyone's secrets but have no one to confide in

People trust you with their deepest secrets, their embarrassing moments, their relationship problems. You're the vault, the confidant, the trusted advisor.

But when you need someone to talk to? The same people who dump their secrets on you suddenly become uncomfortable with emotional intimacy when the tables are turned.

10. Saying no makes you the villain

After years of being available, the moment you prioritize yourself, you're labeled as selfish, changed, or "not the person you used to be." People act personally offended that you're not dropping everything to help them anymore.

This reaction tells you everything you need to know. People who truly value you as a person, not just as a resource, will understand and respect when you need to focus on yourself.

Final thoughts

Recognizing these patterns in your relationships isn't about becoming bitter or closing yourself off. It's about understanding your worth and creating healthier dynamics. You can still be helpful and supportive without being taken for granted.

Start small. Practice saying, "Let me check my schedule and get back to you" instead of immediately saying yes. Ask "How are you doing?" and wait for a real answer before letting someone launch into their problems. Share your own struggles and notice who shows up with genuine support.

The truth is, being someone others can lean on is a gift, but it shouldn't come at the expense of your own wellbeing. You deserve the same support, appreciation, and care that you so freely give to others. And if the people in your life can't offer that? Maybe it's time to find those who can.