7 things your adult children wish you'd stop doing at family gatherings but will never tell you to your face

The smell of turkey fills the house, wine glasses clink around the table, and there's that familiar buzz of conversation that only happens when the whole family comes together.

But underneath the laughter and the passing of dishes, there's often an undercurrent of tension that nobody quite wants to acknowledge. As someone who's hosted countless family gatherings over the years, I've come to realize that sometimes the very things we do to show love can push our adult children away.

Last Thanksgiving, I watched my daughter's shoulders tense when I started telling a story about her teenage years.

It was meant to be funny, a little family folklore, but her forced smile told me everything I needed to know. That moment sparked a journey of reflection and, frankly, some uncomfortable conversations with other parents my age about what we might be getting wrong.

1) Treating them like they're still teenagers in front of everyone

Remember when your thirty-something walked through the door last Christmas and you immediately asked if they'd remembered to get their oil changed? Or when you reminded your forty-year-old about their table manners at Easter dinner?

We do it without thinking, this automatic shift back to parent-as-instructor mode, even though the person standing in front of us manages a team of twenty at work or raises their own children just fine without our constant guidance.

I caught myself doing this with my son during a recent birthday celebration. He was carving the roast, and I started hovering, offering suggestions about the knife angle. His wife gently touched my arm and said, "He's got it," and the look of gratitude on his face was unmistakable.

Our children have grown into capable adults, yet in our homes, we sometimes forget to treat them as such. They've learned to bite their tongues because correcting us feels disrespectful, but inside, they're yearning for us to see them as the competent people they've become.

2) Comparing siblings or bringing up old rivalries

"Your sister always helps with the dishes" or "Remember when your brother got into Yale?"

These comparisons, however innocent they seem to us, can instantly transport our adult children back to childhood insecurities. Even positive comparisons can sting. When we praise one child's financial success while the other is pursuing their passion in teaching or art, we're inadvertently creating a hierarchy of achievement that nobody asked for.

The competition for parental approval doesn't magically disappear at eighteen. If anything, adult achievements and struggles can make these comparisons even more painful.

Your children won't tell you this hurts because they don't want to seem petty or oversensitive, but trust me, they're keeping score of every comparison, and it's affecting their relationships with each other long after the gathering ends.

3) Offering unsolicited advice about their parenting

Is there anything harder than watching your grandchild throw a tantrum while your adult child handles it differently than you would?

That urge to step in, to share your wisdom, can be overwhelming. But here's what I've learned: our children are raising their kids in a different world than we did, with different challenges and different tools.

When my daughter lets her kids have screen time at the dinner table to keep the peace, it takes everything in me not to comment. But I remember how my own mother-in-law's constant suggestions about bedtimes and discipline made me feel incompetent and judged.

Our children are finding their way as parents, just as we did, and they need our support, not our critique. They already doubt themselves enough without us adding to that burden.

4) Making everything about the grandchildren

Have you noticed how quickly conversations with adult children can become entirely focused on their kids? "How's soccer going?" "Is she reading yet?" "What about college applications?"

While our interest in our grandchildren is natural and loving, our adult children sometimes feel invisible at these gatherings, as if their only value is as producers of the next generation.

Your daughter who just got promoted, your son who's training for a marathon, they have lives and interests beyond their children. When every conversation circles back to their kids, they feel reduced to a supporting role in their own story.

They won't tell you they miss being seen as individuals because it sounds selfish to say, "Can we talk about me for once?" But they do miss it.

5) Dismissing their dietary choices or preferences

"A little butter won't kill you" or "You're not really allergic to gluten, are you?" Whether your adult child has embraced veganism, discovered a food intolerance, or simply changed their eating habits, dismissing or questioning these choices at the dinner table creates immediate tension.

Food is personal, and dietary choices often reflect deeply held values or health needs. When we roll our eyes at requests for alternatives or make jokes about their "phases," we're essentially saying we don't respect their autonomy.

They've stopped arguing about it because they're tired of defending themselves, but every dismissive comment creates a little more distance between you.

6) Guilt-tripping about time and visits

"I guess we'll see you next year then" or "Must be nice to have time for vacations but not for family" sound familiar? We say these things because we miss them, because time feels shorter as we age, but guilt is a terrible adhesive for family bonds. It might get them to show up, but it won't make them want to be there.

Our children are juggling careers, relationships, their own children, and a hundred other responsibilities we can't always see. When we make them feel guilty for the time they can't give us, we're poisoning the time they can.

They won't tell you that your guilt trips make them dread family gatherings because they don't want to hurt you, but that dread is real and growing with each passive-aggressive comment about their absence.

7) Rehashing old wounds or embarrassing stories

That story about the time they wet their pants at camp? The detailed account of their first breakup?

These stories might seem like harmless family lore to us, but to our adult children, they can feel like public humiliation.

We tell these stories because they're part of our shared history, because they make us feel connected to when our children were young and needed us, but they can make our adult children feel forever frozen in their most vulnerable moments.

Final thoughts

Writing this has required me to look honestly at my own behavior at family gatherings, and it hasn't always been comfortable.

But isn't that what growth is about at any age? Our adult children love us enough to endure these small wounds in silence, but imagine how much richer our relationships could be if we didn't inflict them at all.

The next time the family gathers, perhaps we can try seeing our children not as the kids they were, but as the remarkable adults they've become.