Silence does not mean they do not respect you. It often means advice has started to feel heavy, not helpful. Here is the brutal reason.
A few months ago, I watched a friend unintentionally kill a great moment with his daughter.
She came over for dinner, mid-20s, relaxed, laughing. At some point she mentioned she might switch jobs. Nothing dramatic. Just a thought.
My friend lit up like someone handed him the remote control to her life.
He leaned forward and delivered a full strategy. Negotiation tips. Industry predictions. Warnings. A story about how he did it at her age.
She nodded, checked her phone once, and said, “Yeah, I’ll figure it out.” Conversation over.
He wasn’t rude. He wasn’t insulting. He wasn’t even wrong. But he did the one thing that makes adult kids stop asking for advice: he made it feel unsafe to share.
Not unsafe like danger. Unsafe like, “If I bring something up, I’m going to get a lecture, a verdict, or a vibe that I messed up.”
If your adult children don’t ask for your advice anymore, the brutal reason is usually not disrespect. It’s that the experience of asking you does not feel good. And the moment asking feels heavy, they stop asking.
1) You treat advice like information, but they need connection
When I worked in luxury hospitality, we obsessed over one truth: People don’t come back just for the food. They come back for how you made them feel.
Two tables can eat the same dish. One leaves thrilled. One leaves annoyed. The difference is often the human part, not the ingredients.
Advice works the same way.
You can have solid ideas, but if your delivery feels like judgment, pressure, or a performance, they won’t want it. Not because your advice is bad. Because the emotional cost is too high.
Most adult kids are not calling you for information. They can Google information.
They want perspective, calm, and support. They want to feel like you’re on their side, not grading them.
Here’s a quick test.
When they share a problem, do you respond with curiosity or conclusions?
Curiosity sounds like: “What’s the hardest part about this?”
Conclusions sound like: “Here’s what you need to do.”
One opens a conversation. The other shuts it down.
2) You confuse helping with controlling
A lot of parents think they’re being supportive when they’re actually being managerial.
It makes sense. You spent years steering the ship. You made decisions when they couldn’t. You protected them. You probably cleaned up messes they didn’t even know existed.
When you see them heading toward something risky, your brain goes into protection mode.
But adult children often experience controlling advice as a lack of trust.
Even when it’s wrapped in love.
Controlling advice tends to sound like:
- “You should do this.”
- “That’s a mistake.”
- “I don’t like that plan.”
- “If you were smart, you’d…”
The message underneath is simple: “I don’t trust your judgment.”
And if someone doesn’t trust your judgment, you’re not going to invite their input. You’ll share less. You’ll keep it surface level. You’ll avoid the topic entirely.
If you want them to ask for advice again, you have to let them own their choices, including the ones you would not choose.
They are not a project anymore. They’re an adult.
3) You jump to fixing because you can’t tolerate their discomfort
This one is sneaky, because it feels like love.
Your kid shares something painful, and you feel it instantly. You hate that they’re hurting. You hate that you can’t solve it. You hate the helplessness.
You try to fix the problem fast.
Sometimes it’s to help them. Sometimes it’s also to calm yourself.
But advice given from anxiety has a vibe. It feels urgent. It feels intense. It feels like the conversation is now about your feelings.
That’s exhausting for them.
If sharing their life turns into you spiraling, they will share less. Not to punish you. To protect themselves from emotional labor.
A better move is to ask what they need before you start solving.
Try this: “Do you want comfort or do you want ideas?”
That one sentence does two powerful things. It gives them control. And control creates safety.
4) You give advice they did not ask for, so they stop bringing things up
Here’s a brutal truth: Many adult children stop asking because they don’t need to ask. They already know you’ll offer advice the second they reveal anything real.
They keep it shallow.
They mention they’re tired, and you tell them what to eat. They mention money stress, and you launch into budgeting. They mention dating, and you start interviewing them like you’re screening applicants.
Even if your intentions are good, it can feel like living with a commentary track.
And nobody wants a commentary track on their adulthood.
One of the simplest fixes is permission.
Not a big speech. Just a quick check-in.
- “Want my take?”
- “Can I offer a thought?”
If they say no, let it be no. No guilt. No sulking. No last-minute “Well I’m just saying.”
If you can respect a no, you become safer.
And when you become safer, they share more.
5) You talk more than you ask, so they don’t feel seen
People ask advice from people who feel interested.
If your conversations are mostly you explaining, warning, teaching, or telling stories, your adult child will start to feel like they’re attending a class.
Adults don’t call their parents to be in class.
They call when they feel understood.
Try shifting your ratio. Ask more questions than you give opinions.
Questions like:
- “What are you leaning toward?”
- “What outcome do you want most?”
- “What part of this is scary?”
- “What do you wish I understood about this?”
Two things happen when you do this.
First, you show respect. You’re treating them like someone with an inner world, not a kid who needs instructions.
Second, you get better information. A lot of parental advice misses because it’s aimed at the wrong problem.
Your kid says, “I hate my job,” and you start pitching career strategies.
But what they meant was, “I feel trapped and I’m scared.”
Different problem. Different response.
6) You make their choices feel like a test of loyalty
Adult children often stop asking for advice because it comes with emotional consequences.
They worry that if they do something different, you’ll take it personally. They worry you’ll be disappointed, offended, cold, or critical. They worry your help is actually a test.
And the moment advice feels like a test, they avoid the test.
This is where parents accidentally create a hidden rule: “If you listen to me, we’re good. If you don’t, I’m hurt.”
Even if you never say it out loud, it can show up in tone, facial expressions, or passive comments later.
If you want them to invite you in, you have to separate your identity from their decisions.
Their career choice is not a statement about your values. Their relationship choice is not a judgment on your taste. Their parenting choices are not an accusation that you did it wrong.
When you stop making their life about you, they stop hiding it from you.
7) You haven’t updated your role for the adult version of parenting
Parenting an adult is a different job than parenting a child. Kids need direction. Adults need a sounding board.
If you keep trying to play the old role, they will avoid you, even if they love you. Because the old role comes with an old feeling: Being managed.
The goal now is not to be needed. It’s to be chosen. Chosen means they call because they want your perspective, not because they have to report in.
The fastest way to move into this new role is a simple three-step response I try to use when I’m tempted to jump in too hard:
- Validate: “That makes sense.”
- Ask: “What do you think you’re going to do?”
- Offer: “If you want my take, I’m happy to share it.”
It’s calm. It’s respectful. It keeps the conversation in their hands.
And it increases the odds they’ll come back next time.
Conclusion
If your adult children don’t ask for your advice anymore, don’t assume they don’t respect you.
More often, the experience of asking you feels heavy. It feels like pressure. It feels like judgment. It feels like losing control of the conversation.
The fix is not a dramatic heart-to-heart or a guilt trip about everything you’ve done.
It’s smaller than that. Listen a little longer. Ask better questions. Stop rushing to fix. Stop turning their choices into a referendum on you.
And make it clear, through your tone and your restraint, that they can share without paying a price.
When an adult child feels emotionally safe with you, they don’t just ask for advice.
They ask for closeness. And that’s the point.
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