The need to be liked can turn into habits that feel harmless, but read as desperate. The irony is the harder you try, the more distant people become. These eight behaviors are the biggest hidden repellers.
Desperately wanting to be liked is one of those quietly exhausting things we don’t talk about enough.
Because on the surface, it looks harmless. You’re being nice. You’re trying. You’re showing up.
But when the goal becomes “please approve of me,” you end up doing things that don’t create closeness. They create tension.
I’ve been on both sides of this. I’ve done some of these things myself. And I’ve watched other people do them too. The tricky part is that they often come from a good place.
But the impact is what matters.
Here are eight behaviors that people fall into when they’re chasing approval, and why those moves often push others away.
1) Over-agreeing
Have you ever met someone who agrees with everything you say?
At first, it feels validating. Like, wow, this person gets me.
Then it starts to feel off.
Because deep down, we don’t trust someone who never disagrees. Not because we want conflict, but because we want honesty.
When you over-agree, you stop being a person and start being a mirror.
And a mirror isn’t interesting. A mirror doesn’t build relationships. A mirror just reflects.
Real connection comes from having your own mind. Even if it means the occasional awkward moment where you say, “Actually, I see it differently.”
People respect that more than you think.
2) Apologizing too much
I used to do this constantly.
I’d apologize for being late, for texting twice, for asking a question, for taking up time. Half the time I wasn’t even sure what I was apologizing for.
Here’s the problem with over-apologizing.
It makes other people feel like they have to manage your emotions.
They start wondering if they did something wrong, even when they didn’t. They feel pressure to reassure you, to soften their tone, to tiptoe around you.
A real apology is powerful when you’ve actually messed up.
But constant “sorry” signals something else: “I don’t feel safe being here.”
Try switching “Sorry” to “Thanks.”
- “Thanks for waiting.”
- “Thanks for being patient.”
- “Thanks for hearing me out.”
It changes the whole mood.
3) People-pleasing without boundaries
This is one of the most socially rewarded habits. You’re helpful. You’re easy to be around. You never cause problems.
But people-pleasing without boundaries isn’t kindness. It’s self-abandonment.
You say yes when you mean no. You show up when you’re drained. You offer help even when you resent it.
And eventually, the resentment leaks out.
It comes out as passive-aggressive jokes, sudden coldness, disappearing, or snapping over something small.
That’s why people with no boundaries can feel unpredictable.
And unpredictability makes people pull away. Boundaries aren’t walls. They’re clarity.
When you tell someone what works for you and what doesn’t, you actually make the relationship safer.
4) Fishing for reassurance
This one is sneaky, because it often sounds like vulnerability.
- “Are you mad at me?”
- “Do you even like me?”
- “I feel like I’m annoying you.”
The issue isn’t having insecure moments. Everyone does. The issue is turning reassurance into a routine requirement.
If every hangout ends with you checking if you’re still liked, the other person starts feeling responsible for stabilizing you.
And no matter how caring they are, that gets heavy.
Also, reassurance doesn’t really fix insecurity. It gives you a short dopamine hit, then the doubt returns, and you need another hit.
A better move is being honest without making it a test.
For example: “I’ve been feeling a little insecure lately, but I’m glad we’re friends.”
That lets someone in without forcing them into a role.
5) Trying too hard to be funny
I’m a fan of humor. I grew up around people who processed everything through jokes, and I’ve done that too. But there’s a difference between being funny and being frantic.
Some people joke constantly because silence feels dangerous.
They fill every gap. They interrupt serious moments with punchlines. They try to “win” the room. And it can come across like they’re avoiding anything real.
I’ve mentioned this before but humor is often a shield.
If you’re scared people won’t like the real you, you entertain them instead.
But people don’t bond with performance. They bond with sincerity.
You don’t need to be the funniest person in the room. You need to be present.
6) Oversharing too soon
This is where a lot of well-meaning people accidentally overwhelm others.
Oversharing isn’t being open.
Oversharing is unloading emotional weight before trust is built.
It’s telling someone your deepest trauma on the second hangout.
It’s turning a casual conversation into a therapy session without checking if the other person has the space.
To the oversharer, it feels like bonding. To the listener, it can feel like pressure.
Now they’re holding something heavy, and they didn’t agree to hold it.
Real closeness is built in layers. A little vulnerability. Then time. Then more.
If you rush it, people often pull back, not because they don’t care, but because it’s too much too soon.
7) Giving compliments to get validation back
Compliments are great when they’re clean.
But sometimes compliments are actually disguised requests.
You hype someone up, not because you mean it, but because you want them to hype you up too.
You shower someone with praise, then sit there hoping they’ll respond with, “You’re amazing too.” And people can sense that.
It feels less like kindness and more like emotional bargaining. Also, constant flattering can feel fake, even if you mean it.
When everything is “You’re literally the best,” the words start losing weight.
If you compliment someone, do it because you genuinely appreciate something about them.
Then let it land. No strings. No fishing.
8) Changing your personality depending on who you’re with
This one hits deep because it often comes from survival.
You learn early that certain versions of you get approved. Other versions get rejected.
You adapt.
With one person, you’re quiet and agreeable. With another, you’re edgy and sarcastic. With another, you’re super chill and spiritual.
The problem isn’t being socially aware. We all adjust a little. The problem is when there’s no stable core.
Because people don’t trust someone who feels like a moving target.
They don’t know what’s real. They don’t know what you actually believe. They don’t know if you actually like them or if you’re just performing the right version.
Real confidence is consistency.
It’s being the same person in different rooms, even if your tone changes slightly.
The bottom line
If you recognized yourself in any of these, don’t beat yourself up.
Most of these behaviors come from fear, not malice. They come from wanting connection, wanting safety, wanting to belong.
But the twist is that connection doesn’t happen when you chase it.
It happens when you stop trying to earn it.
When you show up as a real person, with opinions, boundaries, and calm self-respect, people relax around you.
And that’s when you get what you wanted all along. Not approval. Actual closeness.
