If your Boomer parents stayed together "for the kids", you probably display these 7 relationship patterns without even realizing it

My partner once asked me why I apologize for having feelings. I didn't have an answer until I thought about my parents' marriage. Twenty-five years of polite distance. Silent dinners. Separate lives under one roof. They never fought in front of us. They also never laughed together, never touched, never seemed to enjoy each other's company. But they stayed, because that's what you did.

Turns out, what we witness shapes us more than what we're told. If your Boomer parents gutted it out in an unhappy marriage "for your sake," you likely inherited some relationship patterns you didn't ask for.

1. You avoid conflict like it's a disease

When disagreements meant weeks of icy silence or explosive fights behind closed doors, you learned a specific lesson: conflict destroys relationships.

So now? You smooth things over. You let issues slide. You'd rather swallow your frustration than risk an argument, because somewhere deep down, you believe that one disagreement could be the beginning of the end.

Research shows that children from high-conflict homes often associate disagreements with relationship breakdowns, leading them to suppress emotions or avoid direct confrontation.

The problem? Avoiding conflict doesn't make it disappear. It just ferments. Healthy relationships require the ability to disagree respectfully—something you never saw modeled.

2. You settle for "good enough" because that's what love looks like

If your parents' marriage was marked by obligation rather than affection, you might have internalized a dangerous belief: relationships are supposed to be hard, joyless, endurance tests.

You stay in relationships that feel more like roommate situations than partnerships. You think passion fades and companionship is overrated. You might even find yourself defending your mediocre relationship to friends who seem genuinely happy with their partners.

Psychologist research indicates that children from unhappy marriages often create poor working models of what relationships should be like, setting themselves up to stay in unfulfilling partnerships because "that's just how it goes."

What you saw growing up became your baseline for normal. But tolerating unhappiness isn't love. It's just familiar.

3. You're terrified of commitment (or rush into it for the wrong reasons)

Here's the paradox: some adult children of "staying together for the kids" marriages avoid commitment entirely, while others sprint toward it.

If you're in the first camp, you might find yourself sabotaging relationships right when they get serious. Marriage feels like a trap, a life sentence, because that's exactly what it looked like growing up.

If you're in the second camp, you might chase commitment as proof that your relationship is different from your parents'. You get engaged quickly, move in fast, desperate to create what they couldn't.

Studies have found that parental marriage quality affects children's attitudes toward commitment. Those from unhappy marriages often hold negative attitudes about marriage and show decreased commitment to romantic relationships, which correlates with lower relationship quality.

Neither extreme serves you well.

4. You became your parent's emotional support system (and still are)

When parents stay in an unhappy marriage, they often turn to their kids for the emotional intimacy they're not getting from their spouse.

Maybe your mom confided in you about how lonely she felt. Maybe your dad vented about your mom's spending habits. Maybe you felt responsible for keeping the peace, managing everyone's moods, being the therapist neither of them would see.

This is called emotional parentification, and it's more common than you'd think. When stuck in an unhappy marriage, parents may unwittingly expect their child to take on an adult role, relying on them for emotional support.

The cost? You learned to prioritize everyone else's feelings over your own. In your adult relationships, you're the perpetual caretaker, the emotional manager, the one who never gets to fall apart because someone has to hold it together.

5. You don't trust that anyone will actually stay

If your parents stayed together physically but checked out emotionally, you learned that presence doesn't equal commitment.

So even when your partner says they love you, even when they show up consistently, part of you is waiting for the other shoe to drop. You look for exit signs. You test their loyalty. You create distance before they can.

Because if your parents couldn't make it work (and they had kids, a house, decades of history) what makes you think anyone will stick around for you?

This hypervigilance exhausts you and your partner. You're so busy protecting yourself from abandonment that you miss the relationship happening right in front of you.

6. You people-please until you disappear

Parents who stayed together for the kids often shelved their own needs so completely they forgot they had them.

If this was your experience, you probably learned that love means self-sacrifice. That being a good partner means never having wants that inconvenience the other person. That your job is to keep everyone happy, even if it means you're miserable.

This shows up in your relationships as chronic people-pleasing. You agree to things you don't want to do. You minimize your feelings. You convince yourself you're "low-maintenance" when really, you're just practiced at making yourself small.

The idea of making a decision that could upset your partner to any degree because of your own wants feels alien, completely at odds with what a "good partner" should do. But relationships require two whole people—not one person and one ghost.

7. You struggle with emotional intimacy and vulnerability

If your parents never modeled emotional openness, genuine affection, or healthy vulnerability, you're flying blind when it comes to intimacy.

You might withdraw when conversations get too deep. You might deflect with humor when your partner tries to connect emotionally. You might feel physically uncomfortable with prolonged displays of affection, even with someone you love.

Research indicates that children of unaffectionate parents tend to be more anxious or avoidant in their adult relationships, struggling with trust, emotional openness, and effective communication.

The scary part? You want connection. You just don't know how to build it, because you never saw it done right.

Final thoughts

Your parents probably had good intentions. They genuinely believed staying together was the right choice for you.

But intentions don't undo impact. What you witnessed became your relationship education, and now you're dealing with the fallout—patterns you didn't choose but have to unlearn.

The good news? Recognition is the first step. Once you see these patterns for what they are—learned behaviors, not personality flaws—you can start rewriting the script.

You're not destined to repeat your parents' mistakes. You just have to be willing to do the work they didn't.