If your parents are over 60, psychology says these 7 conversations will strengthen your bond before it's too late

Last spring, I found myself sitting across from my 84-year-old father at his kitchen table, the same one where he'd helped me with algebra homework decades ago.

We were sorting through old photographs when he suddenly said, "You know, I never told you about the time I almost didn't marry your mother."

What followed was a two-hour conversation that revealed a version of my parents I'd never known - young, uncertain, wrestling with choices that would shape not just their lives, but mine too.

That afternoon reminded me how much we don't know about the people who raised us, and how those untold stories slip away with each passing year.

If your parents are still with you and over 60, there's a precious window of time to deepen your connection through conversations that matter. Psychology research confirms what my heart learned that day: certain discussions can transform our relationships with aging parents, creating bonds that sustain both generations through whatever lies ahead.

1. Ask about their childhood dreams and what became of them

Have you ever wondered who your parents were before they became your parents? There's something profound about asking a 70-year-old what they dreamed of becoming at 17.

When I asked my mother this question, she told me she'd wanted to be a marine biologist. Growing up in landlocked Kansas, she'd been captivated by Jacques Cousteau documentaries and library books about the ocean.

This conversation opens doors to understanding your parents as complete human beings, not just in their parental role.

Research in developmental psychology shows that when adult children see their parents as individuals with their own stories of triumph and disappointment, it creates what experts call "filial maturity" - a more balanced, adult-to-adult relationship.

You might discover that your practical, no-nonsense dad once wrote poetry, or that your cautious mother was offered a job in Paris but turned it down for reasons she's never shared.

2. Discuss their perspective on mortality and what they want you to know

This might feel like the hardest conversation on the list, but it's often the most liberating. After watching my mother navigate Alzheimer's, I learned that avoiding discussions about aging and death doesn't make them disappear - it just leaves everyone unprepared when reality arrives.

Start gently. You might say something like, "I've been thinking about how I want to spend my later years. What matters most to you as you think about the time ahead?"

Psychology tells us that older adults who can discuss their thoughts on mortality with loved ones experience less anxiety and greater life satisfaction. They want to share their wishes, their fears, and most importantly, what they need you to know before cognition or circumstances might make such conversations impossible.

3. Learn about their love story and relationship wisdom

"Your father wasn't my first love," my mother told me one autumn afternoon, completely unprompted. She was 78, folding laundry with the same precise movements I'd watched all my life.

That simple statement led to stories about a boy named Tom who'd gone to Vietnam and never came back, about how she met my father at a church dance she almost didn't attend, about the early years when they could barely afford groceries.

Gerontological research shows that reminiscing about romantic history helps older adults integrate their life experiences and find meaning in their journey. For adult children, these stories provide a template for understanding love's complexities.

Ask your parents what they've learned about making relationships work, what they wish they'd known earlier, what they'd do differently. Their answers might surprise you and offer wisdom no self-help book could provide.

4. Explore their experiences with loss and how they've coped

When we lost my sister to ovarian cancer, watching my parents grieve their child taught me about a kind of strength I'd never witnessed before. But it wasn't until months later, when I asked them about other losses they'd faced, that I understood the full tapestry of their resilience.

Talking about loss isn't morbid - it's deeply human. Psychological studies on intergenerational communication show that when parents share their experiences with grief and recovery, it helps adult children develop their own coping mechanisms.

Your parents have likely weathered losses you know nothing about: miscarriages, friendship breakups, career devastations, the deaths of their own parents. Understanding how they've navigated these dark waters provides a roadmap for your own inevitable encounters with loss.

5. Ask about family stories and secrets they've never shared

Remember those letters I discovered in my parents' attic? They revealed that my grandfather had been married before, briefly, to a woman who died in the 1918 flu pandemic. My father had known this story all along but never thought to mention it. "It was just something we didn't talk about back then," he explained.

Every family has these hidden narratives, and research in family systems psychology suggests that understanding our family's complete story - including the difficult parts - helps us make sense of patterns in our own lives.

Ask your parents about the relatives you never met, the family conflicts that shaped holiday traditions, the ancestors whose names you carry. These conversations often reveal why your mother is terrified of debt, why your father never drinks, why certain subjects were always off-limits at Sunday dinners.

6. Discuss what brings them joy and meaning now

"I've started watercolor painting," my 81-year-old mother announced last year, as if this were perfectly normal for someone who'd never shown artistic interest before. This conversation about current joys revealed a woman still becoming herself, still discovering new facets of her identity.

Don't assume you know what makes your parents happy now. Retirement, grandparenthood, and aging bring shifts in what provides meaning.

Studies in positive aging psychology show that older adults who can articulate and pursue current sources of joy experience better mental health and cognitive function. Ask them what gets them up in the morning, what they look forward to, what new things they'd still like to try. You might find opportunities to share experiences you never imagined.

7. Share your gratitude and what you've learned from them

As a former English teacher, I spent years teaching students to analyze themes in literature, but it took me six decades to recognize the themes my parents had been teaching through their lives. When I finally told my father how his quiet consistency had shaped my understanding of integrity, his eyes filled with tears.

Psychological research on intergenerational relationships shows that explicit gratitude exchanges create what researchers call "positive relationship spirals."

Don't wait for a eulogy to articulate what your parents have given you. Tell them now about the specific lessons that guide you, the memories that sustain you, the ways they've influenced how you parent your own children or navigate your career or choose your friends.

Final thoughts

These seven conversations aren't a checklist to rush through. They're invitations to know your parents more deeply while there's still time. Some discussions will flow naturally; others might feel awkward at first. That's okay. What matters is beginning.

After that spring afternoon with my father and the photograph albums, our relationship shifted. We still talk about the weather and grandchildren, but now we also talk about things that matter. We're not just parent and child anymore - we're two people who've decided to really know each other before it's too late. That's a gift psychology can explain but only courage can unwrap.