Everyone talks about “good communication skills” — but it’s this one feeling that actually makes people open up

You've probably heard it a thousand times before: "We need better communication." It's the go-to solution for everything from workplace conflicts to relationship problems.

But here's the thing — most of what we call "good communication" is just technique. Active listening, "I" statements, asking open-ended questions.

Don't get me wrong, these skills matter. But they're not what actually makes people open up.

After years of observing conversations that work versus those that don't, I've noticed something that trumps all the communication techniques in the world: emotional safety.

It's not about what you say or how you say it. It's about how you make people feel when they're talking to you.

What emotional safety actually looks like

Think about the last time you really opened up to someone. I'm talking about sharing something vulnerable — a fear, a mistake, a dream you're not sure you should pursue.

What made you feel safe enough to share that?

It wasn't because they used perfect communication techniques. It was because something in their energy, their presence, their response told you: "You're safe here. I'm not going to judge you, dismiss you, or use this against you."

Emotional safety is that feeling of being accepted exactly as you are, mess and all. It's knowing that even if someone disagrees with you, they're not going to attack your character or make you feel small.

I learned this the hard way during a conversation with a friend who was going through a rough patch. I was so focused on giving "good advice" and asking "the right questions" that I completely missed how my energy was making him shut down. I was trying to fix rather than just be present.

The moment I stopped trying to be the perfect communicator and just became genuinely curious about his experience — without an agenda — everything changed. He started sharing things he'd never told anyone.

The difference between technique and presence

Here's where most communication advice gets it wrong. It focuses on what to do rather than who to be.

You can master every active listening technique in the book, but if you're secretly judging, planning your response, or trying to steer the conversation toward your agenda, people will feel it. They might not be able to articulate why, but they'll sense that something's off.

As psychologist Carl Rogers noted, "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." The same principle applies to how we show up for others. When we accept them just as they are, that's when real communication becomes possible.

I've seen this play out countless times. The colleague who finally admits they're struggling not because someone asked the perfect question, but because they felt genuinely seen and accepted. The friend who shares their real dreams not because of clever conversation techniques, but because they felt safe to be vulnerable.

How to create emotional safety (without trying too hard)

The irony is that the more you try to create emotional safety, the more forced it becomes. It's not something you can manufacture through technique alone.

But there are ways to cultivate the mindset and presence that naturally creates this feeling for others.

First, check your own emotional state before important conversations. Are you anxious, distracted, or carrying your own agenda? People pick up on this energy instantly. I've noticed that when I'm stressed or preoccupied, even my closest friends don't open up as much.

Second, practice genuine curiosity without attachment to outcomes. This means being interested in understanding someone's perspective not so you can change it, solve it, or respond to it, but simply because you want to know who they really are.

Third, notice your internal reactions when someone shares something difficult. Are you immediately jumping to judgment, advice, or your own similar story? These reactions aren't wrong, but they shift your energy away from being present with the other person.

I've mentioned this before, but some of the most powerful conversations I've had happened when I temporarily forgot about being a "good communicator" and just became genuinely interested in the person in front of me.

Why this matters more than ever

In our hyperconnected world, we're having more conversations than ever but somehow feeling less understood. We're optimizing for efficiency, for getting our point across, for being right.

But what people are really craving is to be seen and accepted for who they are, not just heard for what they're saying.

As the team at Psychology Today puts it, "Emotional safety is the visceral feeling of being accepted and embraced for who you truly are and what you feel and need."

It's a basic human need, and if it isn't met, even the best conversations stay surface-level. They sound right but feel wrong. They check all the boxes but miss the point.

When someone feels emotionally safe with you, they don't just share more — they share more authentically. They stop performing and start being real. They stop telling you what they think you want to hear and start telling you what's actually going on.

The ripple effect

Here's what I've noticed: when you become someone who creates emotional safety, it doesn't just change your conversations. It changes how people relate to themselves.

When someone feels truly accepted by you, they often start accepting themselves more. When they feel safe to be vulnerable with you, they become more comfortable with their own vulnerability.

As researcher Brené Brown has said, "Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity."

I've watched friends become more confident, more creative, more willing to take risks, simply because they had someone in their life who made them feel emotionally safe. It's like giving someone permission to be human.

The bottom line

Good communication isn't about perfecting your technique. It's about creating an environment where people feel safe to be themselves.

You don't need to be a trained therapist or communication expert. You just need to be willing to show up as a human being who's genuinely interested in other human beings.

The next time you're in a conversation that matters, forget about the communication rules. Instead, ask yourself: "How can I make this person feel safe to be exactly who they are right now?"

That's when real communication happens. That's when people actually open up.

And that's when you discover that the best conversations aren't about perfect technique — they're about imperfect humans connecting with other imperfect humans in a space of acceptance and curiosity.

Try it. You might be surprised by what people are willing to share when they feel truly safe with you.