7 holiday traditions that seem harmless but create lasting resentment in families

The holidays are supposed to be about togetherness and joy, right?

But let's be real, in some families, they're actually occasions for dread and a whole lot of resentment. 

Sometimes, the smallest holiday rituals can create the deepest wounds. We repeat these patterns year after year, thinking they're bringing us closer, when sometimes they're quietly pushing us apart.

After years of navigating family dynamics (and plenty of behavioral psychology books), I've noticed certain traditions that look harmless on the surface but actually plant seeds of resentment that can last for decades.

1. The mandatory gift exchange with strict spending limits

You know the one. Everyone draws names, there's a $50 limit, and somehow you always end up stressed about whether your gift is "good enough."

Here's what actually happens: The person who makes less money feels pressured to overspend. The wealthy relative feels restricted and awkward. And someone inevitably breaks the rules, making everyone else's gifts look cheap.

I've watched this play out in countless families. One friend told me her sister still brings up the Christmas of 2015 when their brother gave a $200 gift certificate despite the $30 limit. Eight years later, it still comes up at dinner.

The resentment builds because it's never really about the money. It's about feeling seen, valued, and respected. When those limits create inequality or pressure, they do the opposite of what they're intended to do.

2. Forcing everyone to share what they're grateful for

This one hits close to home. Every Thanksgiving, families gather around and force everyone to announce their gratitude. Sounds beautiful, doesn't it?

But think about your cousin who just got divorced. Your uncle who lost his job. Your sister struggling with depression.

Now they have to perform happiness while everyone watches. They either fake it (building resentment) or share something real and kill the mood (creating guilt).

Forced emotional displays rarely create genuine connection. They create performance anxiety and comparison. Watch closely next time, and you'll see people mentally preparing their "speech" instead of actually listening to others.

3. The photo session that must be perfect

"Just one more!" How many family gatherings have been derailed by the 45-minute photo shoot?

Kids are crying. Grandpa's tired. Everyone's hungry. But we need that perfect shot for the holiday card that proves we're a happy family.

What message does this send? That the image matters more than the experience. That looking happy is more important than being happy.

A photographer friend once told me that the families who insist on the most photos often have the most tension. They're trying to capture something that isn't quite there. Meanwhile, the actual moments of connection get lost in the staging.

4. Assigning fixed roles that never change

Who cooks? Who cleans? Who gets to relax with the game?

In many families, these roles got assigned twenty years ago and never evolved. Mom still does everything in the kitchen. Dad still disappears. Adult children still get treated like they're twelve.

These fixed roles breed resentment faster than my grandmother's sourdough starter. The designated cook feels unappreciated. The cleaner feels invisible. And heaven forbid someone tries to change their role.

When I started bringing vegan dishes to contribute, it threw off our whole system. Suddenly, my mom's kitchen choreography was disrupted. It took three years before she stopped seeing my contributions as criticism of her cooking.

5. Comparing whose turn it is to host

The scorekeeping starts innocently enough. "We hosted last year, so it's your turn."

But then it escalates. Who traveled more? Who spent more? Whose house is bigger? Who has young kids? Who hosted Easter?

Families create elaborate mental spreadsheets of who owes what. Every gathering becomes a transaction instead of a gift.

The worst part? Everyone's keeping different score. What feels equal to one person feels completely unfair to another. I've seen siblings stop speaking over disputes about hosting duties that started with something as simple as a Fourth of July barbecue.

6. Recreating childhood dynamics with adult children

Here's a question for you: When you go home for the holidays, do you suddenly feel sixteen again?

Parents assign the same seats at the table. They bring up the same embarrassing stories. They treat career accomplishments like school report cards.

"Remember when Jordan was afraid of the mall Santa?" Yes, I remember. Everyone remembers. We've heard this story for thirty years.

Adult children feel diminished. Parents feel rejected when their "kids" don't want to play along. The tradition of treating everyone like their teenage selves creates a time warp that nobody actually enjoys.

7. The guilt trip about changing traditions

This might be the most insidious one. Any attempt to evolve or adapt traditions gets met with emotional manipulation.

"But we've always done it this way."
"You're ruining Christmas."
"Don't you care about family?"

When my family started including vegan options alongside traditional dishes, you'd have thought I'd suggested canceling the holidays entirely. The resistance wasn't about the food. It was about change feeling like rejection.

But here's what I learned from all those psychology books: Traditions that can't evolve become prisons. They stop serving their purpose of bringing people together and start becoming obligations that push people apart.

Wrapping up

The irony of these traditions is that they all start from a place of love. We want to create meaningful memories. We want to maintain connections. We want to honor our past while building our future.

But when traditions become rigid rules, when they prioritize performance over presence, when they can't adapt to who we've become, they create the opposite of what we intended.

The families I've seen thrive are the ones that hold traditions lightly. They keep what works, adapt what doesn't, and remember that the goal is connection, not perfection.

My grandmother still makes her famous stuffing every Thanksgiving. She also makes a vegan wild rice dish just for me. Some years we do the gratitude circle, some years we don't. The photos happen naturally now, not as a forced march.

The resentment fades when people feel seen and heard. When traditions serve the family, not the other way around.

So this holiday season, maybe ask yourself: Are these traditions bringing us together or driving us apart? The answer might surprise you. And more importantly, it might free you to create something better.