While gifts and grand gestures might create temporary smiles, the grandparents whose grandchildren actively seek them out understand a deeper truth about connection that has everything to do with how they listen, respect boundaries, and show up as flawed but genuine humans.
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When I watch grandparents at the park, I can almost predict which ones have grandchildren who genuinely light up when they arrive and which ones have grandkids who dutifully show up for Sunday dinner but keep checking their phones.
The difference is something far more subtle and infinitely more powerful.
After spending decades around young people as a teacher and now watching my own journey as a grandmother unfold, I've noticed that emotionally intelligent grandparents create bonds that transcend obligation.
They build relationships that their grandchildren actively seek out, not because they have to, but because they want to.
1) They remember that their grandchildren are individuals, not extensions of their parents
Every year, I take each of my grandchildren on a solo adventure day.
Just the two of us.
No siblings, no parents, no agenda except to discover what makes that particular child tick.
My grandson who loves bugs gets a completely different day than his sister who dreams in watercolors.
The grandparents whose grandchildren drift away? They often see the kids as a unit, or worse, as younger versions of their parents.
"You're just like your father was at that age," becomes less of an observation and more of a box they can't escape.
Emotionally intelligent grandparents understand that while family traits exist, each grandchild deserves to be known for exactly who they are, not who they remind us of.
2) They listen without immediately offering solutions
During my teaching years, I learned that teenagers often just need someone to hear them.
Really hear them.
Not fix them, not judge them, not immediately launch into a story about how things were different "back in my day."
When my teenage granddaughter tells me about friend drama, I resist the urge to solve it.
Instead, I ask questions: "How did that make you feel?" or "What do you think might happen next?"
The grandparents who get avoided are often the ones who respond to every shared problem with instant advice or dismissive comments, like "You'll forget all about this in a few years."
3) They respect the parenting choices of their adult children
When my son married someone I initially had reservations about, I had to physically bite my tongue.
Years later, watching their marriage flourish and seeing what an incredible mother she is, I'm grateful I kept my doubts to myself.
Emotionally intelligent grandparents understand that undermining parents, even subtly, creates tension that grandchildren can feel.
They don't slip candy to kids whose parents are trying to limit sugar or make comments like "I don't know why your mom won't let you do that."
They recognize that supporting the parents means creating a stable, drama-free environment where grandchildren can thrive.
4) They share stories, not lectures
Have you ever noticed how children lean in when you start a sentence with "When I was young..." but tune out the moment it becomes a lesson about walking uphill both ways to school?
I share stories about my failures, my embarrassments, and my adventures to connect.
When I tell my grandkids about the time I completely bombed a presentation in front of my entire college class, they see me as human.
The grandparents who struggle with connection often use their past as a weapon of comparison rather than a bridge of understanding.
5) They embrace the grandchildren's world instead of constantly pulling them into the past
Yes, I taught English for 32 years, and yes, I believe in the power of classic literature.
But I also ask my grandkids to explain their favorite video games to me.
I listen to their music (some of it's actually quite good).
I learn their slang, even if I don't use it.
The grandparents who get quietly avoided are often the ones who make every interaction a history lesson, who refuse to acknowledge that anything valuable exists in modern culture, who make their grandchildren feel like their interests are inferior or silly.
6) They admit when they're wrong
Last month, I snapped at my grandson about something that wasn't his fault.
I was tired, worried about a friend's health, and I took it out on him.
An hour later, I called him and apologized.
Not "I'm sorry, but," just "I was wrong, and I'm sorry."
Emotionally intelligent grandparents model what healthy relationships look like.
They show that adults make mistakes, that apologies aren't weakness, and that respect goes both ways, regardless of age.
7) They create space for emotions without trying to fix them
When my granddaughter's pet hamster died, she was devastated.
The temptation was to minimize it, to remind her it was "just a hamster," to immediately offer to buy a new one.
Instead, I sat with her while she cried.
I told her about losing my first pet.
I let her feel the full weight of her grief without trying to rush her through it.
The grandparents whose grandchildren pull away are often uncomfortable with difficult emotions.
They change the subject when things get heavy.
They offer platitudes instead of presence.
They forget that sometimes the greatest gift we can give is simply witnessing someone's pain without trying to make it disappear.
8) They show up consistently, not perfectly
Being a grandmother has taught me that I can be more present and relaxed than I was as a mother.
There's wisdom in that relaxation, a recognition that perfection was never the goal.
Connection is.
I don't always say the right thing.
I don't always understand the latest technology or trend.
But I show up.
I remember the small things they tell me.
I ask about the test they were worried about, the friend who was being mean, the book they couldn't put down.
The grandparents who maintain strong bonds understand that grandparenting is parenting with more wisdom and less exhaustion, but it still requires intentionality.
It's not about grand gestures or expensive gifts.
It's about consistent, small acts of love and recognition.
Final thoughts
The emotionally intelligent grandparents I've observed and tried to become don't have grandchildren who visit out of obligation.
They have grandchildren who call just to talk, who seek their advice, who will remember them not for what they gave but for how they made them feel.
In the end, that's the legacy worth leaving: not a collection of gifts gathering dust, but a relationship that shaped who they become.
