8 types of guilt you need to stop carrying after 60 because the person who gave it to you either forgot about it or is counting on you never putting it down

Last week, I found myself apologizing to my grown son for the third time about missing his school play when he was twelve. He looked at me with genuine confusion and said, "Mom, I don't even remember having a school play that year." That's when it hit me: I'd been carrying this particular piece of guilt for over two decades while he'd moved on before the curtain even closed.

If you're over sixty like me, chances are you're hauling around enough guilt to fill a U-Haul truck. Some of it was handed to you so long ago that the person who gave it to you has either completely forgotten about it or, worse, is banking on you never setting it down. After spending years sorting through my own collection of unnecessary guilt, I've identified eight types that we absolutely need to stop carrying.

1. The guilt of not being the perfect parent

Every parent makes mistakes, but somehow we convince ourselves that ours were uniquely damaging. When my first husband left, I was suddenly alone with two toddlers, and in my desperation to keep our little family afloat, I leaned too heavily on my eldest son, calling him "the man of the house" when he was barely seven. For years, I tortured myself about stealing his childhood.

But here's what I've learned: our children are far more resilient than we think, and they remember the love more than the lapses. Yes, I made mistakes. Yes, I wish I'd done some things differently. But the guilt I've been carrying about not being the perfect parent? It's serving no one, least of all my children, who have long since grown into wonderful adults despite my imperfections.

2. The guilt of setting boundaries with toxic relatives

How many family gatherings have you endured out of guilt? How many times have you accepted treatment you'd never tolerate from a stranger because "family is family"? There's a special brand of guilt reserved for those of us who've finally said "enough" to relatives who consistently drain our energy or disrespect our boundaries.

The thing is, the relatives who make you feel guilty for protecting your peace are usually the very ones you needed protection from in the first place. They're counting on your guilt to keep you in line, to keep you available for whatever they need, whenever they need it. After sixty, you've earned the right to choose which relationships nourish you and which ones you're better off loving from a distance.

3. The guilt of past financial struggles

I still remember the burning shame of standing in the grocery store line with food stamps, praying I wouldn't see anyone I knew. For two years after my divorce, those stamps were the only way I could feed my children, and for decades afterward, I carried guilt about not being able to provide better.

But why? I did what I had to do. I swallowed my pride to keep my babies fed. That's not something to feel guilty about; that's something to be proud of. If you're carrying guilt about past financial struggles, about bankruptcy, about losing a house, about any of the ways you've had to survive, please know that survival itself is an achievement. The shame belongs to a society that makes people feel guilty for needing help, not to those of us who were brave enough to accept it.

4. The guilt of outgrowing friendships

Remember that friend from your thirties who still calls to complain about the same problems she had twenty years ago? The one who makes you feel guilty when you don't have two hours to rehash her latest drama? Sometimes we outgrow people, and that's okay. It doesn't make you a bad friend; it makes you human.

Friendships are meant to evolve, and sometimes that evolution means growing apart. The guilt you feel about not maintaining every friendship from every phase of your life is exhausting and unnecessary. The friends who truly matter will understand that life happens, that people change, and that love doesn't always mean proximity.

5. The guilt of choosing yourself after decades of choosing others

For how many years did you put everyone else first? Your spouse, your children, your aging parents, your boss, your community? And now, when you finally have the time and space to prioritize yourself, guilt creeps in like fog under the door.

This is perhaps the most insidious type of guilt because society has trained us, especially women, to believe that choosing ourselves is selfish. But after sixty, if not now, when? The people who make you feel guilty for taking that art class, for traveling solo, for saying no to babysitting every weekend, they've had decades of your devotion. It's your turn now.

6. The guilt of past relationship decisions

Whether it's the divorce you initiated, the marriage you stayed in too long, or the relationship you ended badly, guilt about past romantic decisions can feel like a stone in your shoe, constantly reminding you of its presence with every step.

I carried guilt about my divorce for years, especially in an era when it was still heavily stigmatized. But that guilt was based on other people's opinions about what I should have endured, not on what was actually best for me and my children. The person you were then made the best decision they could with the information they had. Forgive them. They were doing their best.

7. The guilt of not meeting others' expectations

Maybe your mother wanted you to be a doctor, and you became a teacher. Maybe your spouse expected you to be a different kind of partner. Maybe your kids wish you were more like their friends' parents. At sixty-plus, are you really still carrying guilt about not being who others wanted you to be?

The people who truly love you have long since accepted who you are. And those who haven't? They're probably still trying to change everyone around them to fit their vision, which says everything about them and nothing about you.

8. The guilt of saying what you really think

After decades of biting your tongue, swallowing your opinions, and keeping the peace, you've started speaking your truth. And sometimes, that truth makes others uncomfortable. Good. Discomfort is often the price of honesty, and at this stage of life, authentic expression matters more than artificial harmony.

The guilt you feel when someone says you've "changed" or you're "not as nice as you used to be" is actually a sign that you're finally being yourself. The people who benefited from your silence are the ones most likely to make you feel guilty for finding your voice. Let them adjust. You've spent enough years adjusting for them.

Final thoughts

Here's what I know to be true: most of the guilt we're carrying after sixty is either expired or was never ours to carry in the first place. The people who gave it to us have either forgotten all about it or are hoping we'll carry it forever so they don't have to examine their own behavior.

Life is too short and too precious to spend it as a porter for other people's expectations, disappointments, and judgments. Put down the guilt. All of it. And see how much lighter you feel when you're only carrying what's truly yours.