If you want your adult children to actually enjoy visiting you as you age, say goodbye to these 9 behaviors

Last week, I sat in my living room staring at my phone, wondering why my son hadn't called me back for three days. The old me would have sent a follow-up text, maybe two, definitely would have mentioned it when we finally did talk. But I've learned something crucial in my seventies: the quickest way to push your adult children away is to pull too hard.

Here's what nobody tells you about aging parents and adult children: the relationship requires a complete renovation. The tools that worked when they were young - reminders, advice, gentle correction - become the very things that make them dread your calls and postpone visits. Trust me, I've made every mistake in the book, and I'm here to share what I've learned about the behaviors we need to release if we want our children to genuinely look forward to spending time with us.

1. Treating them like they're still teenagers

Do you remember how it felt when your mother-in-law commented on your parenting choices? That tight feeling in your chest, the defensive response brewing? That's exactly how your adult children feel when you slip into parent mode with them.

I catch myself sometimes, about to ask if my daughter remembered to schedule her dental appointment or if my son is getting enough sleep. These questions seem caring to us, but to them, they signal that we still see them as kids who need managing. The shift from parent-as-authority to parent-as-peer is uncomfortable, but it's essential. Your adult children have bosses, deadlines, and responsibilities. They don't need another supervisor; they need a friend who happens to share their history.

2. Making every conversation about their mistakes

Virginia Woolf once wrote, "The eyes of others our prisons; their thoughts our cages." How perfectly this captures what happens when we can't let go of our children's past mistakes.

My son made some questionable financial decisions in his thirties. For years, I felt compelled to bring up budgeting tips, investment advice, anything to prevent him from repeating those errors. What I didn't realize was that every conversation became a minefield for him. He started sharing less about his life because any topic could trigger my "helpful" reminders about fiscal responsibility. When I finally stopped, our conversations became richer, longer, and more frequent.

3. Competing for their time and attention

This one stings, doesn't it? We raised them, sacrificed for them, and now we have to compete with in-laws, friends, and their own children for a spot on their calendar. But here's the truth: the moment they sense we're keeping score, they'll start avoiding the game altogether.

I used to count the visits, compare how often they saw the other grandparents, feel hurt when a friend's birthday party took precedence over Sunday dinner with me. Then I realized I was creating the very distance I feared. Now I celebrate whatever time we have together without calculating what I think I deserve. The result? They actually want to come around more often.

4. Offering unsolicited advice constantly

Have you noticed how often we start sentences with "You should..." or "Why don't you..."? I spent decades as a teacher, and letting go of that instructional impulse has been one of my greatest challenges.

Your adult children are navigating marriage, parenting, careers, and countless decisions. They're doing it in a world vastly different from the one we knew at their age. Unless they explicitly ask for advice, our suggestions often feel like criticism. I've learned to replace "You should try..." with "How are you handling that?" The shift from adviser to listener has transformed my relationships with both my children.

5. Making them responsible for your happiness

When my husband died, I unconsciously shifted an enormous emotional burden onto my children, especially my eldest. I needed them to fill the void, to be my primary source of joy and companionship. What a weight to place on someone already juggling their own life's demands.

Through therapy in my fifties, I recognized this pattern. Our children cannot be our entire social world, our only source of fulfillment, or our reason for getting up in the morning. That's not fair to them, and ironically, it makes us less interesting to be around. When I developed my own friendships, hobbies, and routines, I became someone my children wanted to spend time with, not someone they felt obligated to visit.

6. Refusing to respect their boundaries

Does this sound familiar? They ask you not to discuss politics, or their weight, or their parenting choices, but you bring it up anyway because "families should be able to talk about everything." I used to believe this too, until I realized that respecting boundaries isn't about agreeing with them; it's about honoring them.

My daughter once told me she needed space to figure some things out without my input. The people-pleaser in me wanted to fix, help, and hover. Instead, I respected her request. Six months later, she opened up to me more than she had in years, precisely because I had proven I could honor her limits.

7. Living in the past

We all have our golden memories: family vacations, holiday traditions, the years when they still thought we hung the moon. But when every conversation becomes a nostalgia tour, we're essentially telling our children that the best parts of our relationship are behind us.

Yes, remember the sweet moments, but invest more energy in creating new memories that honor who your children are now. They're not the eight-year-old who loved building sandcastles; they're adults with their own dreams and challenges. Meet them where they are, not where they were.

8. Guilt-tripping about visits

"I guess I'll just spend another weekend alone." "Other people's children visit them every week." "I won't be around forever, you know." These phrases might get you a guilt-driven visit, but they won't get you the warm, genuine connection you're actually craving.

I wrote about this pattern in a previous post about emotional manipulation in families. What I've learned is that guilt is a terrible long-term motivator. It breeds resentment, not closeness. When we stop weaponizing our loneliness and start making our time together genuinely enjoyable, visits become something they anticipate rather than endure.

9. Comparing them to others

Your friend's daughter calls her every day. Your nephew bought his parents a condo in Florida. The neighbor's kids organize elaborate anniversary parties. Wonderful for them. But every comparison is a small betrayal that says, "You're not enough."

I had to learn that my children show love differently. One needs space but sends thoughtful gifts. The other calls frequently but struggles with emotional conversations. When I stopped measuring them against others and started appreciating their unique ways of caring, our relationships deepened immeasurably.

Final thoughts

Letting go of these behaviors isn't about becoming a doormat or pretending everything is perfect. It's about evolving our role from director to supporting cast in our children's lives. The paradox is beautiful: the more we release our grip, the closer they want to be. When we stop trying to parent our adult children and start trying to know them, enjoy them, and respect them as the individuals they've become, something magical happens. They actually want to spend time with us. Not from obligation, but from choice. And isn't that what we really wanted all along?