Some people talk about emotional intelligence—but their everyday behavior quietly tells a very different story.
Emotional intelligence is one of those things people love to claim they have.
It sounds good on resumes. It makes for great dinner conversation. And let’s be honest, it feels nice to say, “I’m pretty emotionally intelligent.”
But here’s the catch: true emotional intelligence isn’t loud. It doesn’t need to announce itself. It shows up in the way someone speaks, listens, reacts, and connects with others.
And if you’re paying attention, it becomes obvious—instantly—when someone’s self-perception doesn’t quite match reality.
Here are nine behaviors that give it away.
1. They interrupt constantly
Let’s start with the basics.
If someone can’t let you finish a sentence without jumping in, chances are they’re not actually listening—they’re waiting for their turn to talk.
This happens way more than we think, especially in fast-paced environments. But emotional intelligence starts with presence. And presence begins with listening.
I once sat in a creative team meeting where one person, who considered themselves a “deep empath,” managed to interrupt every single person at the table. Ideas were shut down mid-sentence. Solutions were dismissed before they were explained. At one point, someone literally said, “Let me finish,” and still got cut off.
Listening is an action. Interrupting isn’t just rude—it’s a sign you value your voice more than others.
2. They always need to be “right”
Being right isn’t a personality trait. But some people treat it like one.
They correct minor details just to prove a point. They argue instead of engage. They confuse stubbornness with conviction.
The problem? This behavior doesn’t come from strength. It comes from insecurity.
Emotionally intelligent people don’t get their sense of identity from being right. They’re okay with being wrong because they know that doesn’t make them less valuable. It makes them human.
Psychologist Adam Grant puts it simply: “You don’t have to believe everything you think.”
Let that one sit for a second.
3. They avoid tough conversations
Avoidance is often mistaken for peacekeeping. But emotional intelligence isn’t about dodging discomfort—it’s about navigating it.
People who avoid hard conversations tend to think that by not bringing something up, they’re keeping the peace. What they’re really doing is building resentment—slowly and quietly—until it explodes later in some passive-aggressive email or awkward silence.
I saw this dynamic a lot when I was traveling through Southeast Asia. In Thailand, there’s a cultural concept called “saving face,” which often means avoiding direct confrontation. While it’s rooted in respect, it can sometimes create emotional bottlenecks.
Back home, we do this too—just with different language. We say things like “I don’t want to cause drama” or “It’s not worth it,” when really, we’re just uncomfortable with emotional honesty.
Emotionally intelligent people don’t love confrontation, but they don’t fear it either. They know that clarity is kindness.
4. They can’t take feedback
One of the fastest ways to spot someone who thinks they’re emotionally mature but isn’t? Give them feedback.
Suddenly, it’s like you’ve insulted their entire lineage.
They get defensive. They bring up unrelated accomplishments. They flip the script and criticize you instead. It becomes less about growth and more about ego preservation.
Real emotional intelligence means being able to separate your behavior from your worth.
You can say, “That didn’t land well,” without implying, “You’re a terrible person.” But people low in EQ can’t make that distinction. Everything feels personal, so they block out anything that challenges their self-image.
As emotional intelligence researcher Dr. Tasha Eurich notes, “Introspection doesn’t always lead to insight. Without feedback from others, we’re often blind to our own blind spots.”
Oof. True.
5. They make everything about them
Ever open up to someone, only to have them instantly steer the conversation back to themselves?
You say, “I’m really struggling at work,” and they say, “Yeah, I remember when I had it worse…”
This is what’s called “conversational narcissism,” and it’s more common than we’d like to admit.
A lot of people mistake this for empathy—sharing their own story to connect—but there’s a line. And you know it when you feel it.
Emotionally intelligent people don’t hijack your moment. They know when to hold space. They’re aware that empathy sometimes means saying nothing at all—just nodding, being there, and listening without offering a fix or a counterpoint.
6. They overuse emotional jargon
This one’s getting more and more common thanks to therapy TikTok.
Suddenly everyone’s “triggered,” “dysregulated,” “codependent,” and “trauma-bonded.”
Now, I’m not mocking these terms—they’re valuable when used properly. But when someone uses them to shut down conversations or dodge accountability, that’s not emotional intelligence. That’s emotional theater.
I once dated someone who used therapy language as a way to deflect responsibility. If I brought up something that bothered me, I’d hear, “That sounds like a projection,” or “You’re not honoring my boundaries”—even when I was just asking for clarity.
Emotional intelligence doesn’t mean having the best vocabulary. It means knowing how and when to use it.
7. They shift blame every time
There’s always someone else at fault.
The deadline wasn’t met? Someone else dropped the ball. The event flopped? The weather sucked. Their last three relationships ended? “All my exes were toxic.”
This constant blame-shifting reveals a lack of emotional accountability. And without accountability, there’s no real growth.
High-EQ individuals don’t play the blame game. They look for their part in the situation, own it, and course correct.
Even when circumstances aren’t their fault, they ask themselves, “What can I learn from this?” instead of, “Who can I pin this on?”
If you can’t take ownership of your mistakes, you’re not emotionally intelligent—you’re just emotionally slippery.
8. They mirror others to manipulate, not connect
Social chameleons aren’t always emotionally intelligent. Sometimes they’re just skilled at mimicry.
You’ve probably met someone who says all the right things, mirrors your body language, drops a well-timed “I hear you,” and yet... something feels off.
That’s because they’re performing empathy, not practicing it.
Genuine empathy isn’t about using psychological tricks to gain trust or closeness. It’s about being fully present, even when you have nothing to gain.
Manipulation often wears the mask of emotional awareness. The difference lies in intent.
If someone only mirrors you to win your favor—or worse, to get something from you—that’s not EQ. That’s just strategy.
9. They can’t regulate their own emotions
Here’s the big one.
If someone frequently loses their temper, shuts down emotionally, or spirals without reflection, that’s a giant red flag.
We all have emotional responses. That’s normal. But emotionally intelligent people regulate those responses.
They know how to pause, label their feelings, and choose how to respond—not just react.
Daniel Goleman, who literally wrote the book Emotional Intelligence, explains it like this: “Self-regulation is not about bottling up emotions. It’s about expressing them appropriately.”
Someone who blames others for their outbursts, refuses to reflect, or makes people walk on eggshells isn’t high in emotional intelligence—they’re just high in emotional volatility.
And there's a big difference.
The bottom line
It’s easy to believe you’re emotionally intelligent because you’ve read a few books, watched a few TED Talks, or posted about empathy on LinkedIn.
But emotional intelligence is a practice, not a performance.
It shows up in hard conversations, quiet moments, awkward feedback loops, and daily choices.
If you saw yourself in any of these points—same. I’ve been there. Most of us have.
The goal isn’t perfection. It’s awareness.
Start there. Stay curious. Be open to feedback. And remember: emotional intelligence isn’t what you say about yourself. It’s what other people feel around you.
That’s the real test.
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