Reading people is about paying honest attention as you start watching how someone moves through the ordinary, unglamorous parts of life.
Reading people is a bit like listening to a song for the first time.
At first, you just catch the hook but, if you really pay attention, the production, the lyrics, the spaces between the notes tell you what is actually going on.
It is the same with people.
Most of us meet someone, clock their clothes, their job, their Spotify taste, and assume we have a read on them.
However, real character shows up in the small, unscripted moments, not in the polished presentation.
Let me walk you through seven simple ways I look past the surface to see who someone really is:
1) How they treat people with less power
If you only remember one thing from this article, let it be this: Watch how someone treats people who cannot do anything for them.
Years ago I was at a small vegan spot in LA with a friend-of-a-friend.
With me he was charming, funny, “spiritual,” very into conscious living, then the server mixed up his order.
Instant switch.
He snapped, spoke slowly to her like she was a child, and rolled his eyes at me, expecting me to join in.
That was it. I did not need to analyse his birth chart to know what was underneath.
You can learn more about a person in how they handle a wrong coffee order than in an hour of them talking about their values.
The next time you are out with someone, zoom out from how they act with you and watch the way they speak to:
- Staff
- Drivers
- Strangers who ask for help
Polite in one direction but dismissive in another usually means the kindness is strategic, not genuine.
2) Patterns behind their choices
People can fake almost anything for an afternoon, but what they cannot fake is a pattern.
Instead of asking “What does this person say about themselves?” I ask “What do their choices say about them over time?”
Look at repeated behavior in a few key areas:
- How they handle money
- How they treat their own body
- How they talk about time and commitments
- How they handle their stuff and their space
Someone who constantly borrows money and “forgets” to pay it back is showing you more than their financial situation.
They are showing you their relationship to responsibility.
Someone who habitually shows up late but always has a dramatic excuse is showing you how they rank their time against yours.
You do not have to judge every pattern harshly.
The point is to stop taking one-off stories at face value and start asking: Does this fit with what I have already seen from them?
Character is basically the sum of our repeated choices.
If you track patterns, you will rarely be surprised by what someone does next.
3) Response to no
Want to see who someone really is, tell them no.
I learned this the hard way with a creative collaborator.
At first, he seemed incredibly chilled, always talking about “flow” and “trusting the process.”
Until I pushed back on one idea; I simply said, “I like the concept, but I do not want my name on that version.”
Within minutes, the vibe flipped.
Guilt trip, silent treatment, and a long message about how I was “blocking our abundance.”
A healthy person can hear no, feel a sting, maybe be disappointed, but still respect your boundary.
They might ask a few questions, they might negotiate, but they do not need to punish you for having a line.
Pay attention when you:
- Say you cannot stay late
- Say you are not ready to share something
- Say you do not want a second date
Do they argue with reality? Do they try to make you feel bad? Do they suddenly withdraw affection?
How someone handles no is a direct window into their emotional maturity.
4) What they say about others
Here is a quiet little rule I have: Whatever someone regularly says about other people, I assume they could eventually say about me.
If a friend constantly dissects their exes, coworkers, or family, describing everyone as “crazy”, “toxic”, or “idiots,” I do not need to be a psychologist to know there is a pattern.
Gossip is a mirror, so listen for:
- Are they always the hero in their stories
- Is everyone else an obstacle or a villain
- Do they ever take even a tiny bit of responsibility
A person with solid character can talk about conflict without dehumanising the other person.
They can say, “We both messed up” or “I can see why they reacted like that, even if I did not like it.”
If someone never does this, it usually means they are more invested in being right than being real.
You can also watch their face when someone else succeeds.
Do they light up genuinely, or do you hear the subtle “must be nice” comments?
Jealousy is human but, when every compliment comes with a sour aftertaste, believe what you are hearing.
5) Comfort with discomfort
Want a fast way to see beneath the curated version of someone? Put a little friction in the situation.
Not in a manipulative way, just notice them when life is not perfectly convenient.
Think:
- Plans change last minute
- The train is delayed
- The restaurant does not have their first choice
Do they immediately look for someone to blame, do they spiral, or can they adapt, breathe, maybe even laugh?
You are looking for their default orientation to discomfort; someone who cannot tolerate small annoyances often melts down when real challenges arrive.
I read a line in a psychology book that stuck with me.
It said something like, “Resilience is built in the micro-moments where we choose our response, not in big speeches about strength.”
When you see someone able to stay kind, or at least not cruel, while they are tired, hungry, or stressed, you are seeing real character peek through.
On the flip side, if their entire personality depends on everything going their way, you are dealing with a very fragile structure.
6) How they listen
Do you feel more energized or more invisible after you talk to them?
Often when we talk about reading people, we focus on what they say.
I pay a lot of attention to how someone listens.
A while back, I was on a group trip and ended up walking with a guy I had just met.
I asked him one question about his life, and for the next twenty minutes he gave me a detailed monologue and zero follow up questions.
When I answered something, he interrupted to bring the conversation back to him.
By the end of the walk, I knew his entire career history and he did not know a single thing about mine.
That told me more about his character than any of his “I really value connection” speeches.
You do not need everyone in your life to be a therapist level listener, but someone who never gets curious about your world is unlikely to be a safe person when things get complicated.
7) Alignment between words and actions
A person can say they care about health, but their actual choices show what they truly prioritise.
Likewise, a person can talk for hours about compassion, but then mock people different from them.
I have mentioned this before, but I am a big fan of noticing tiny, concrete behaviors instead of grand declarations:
- Do they follow through when they say, “I will send that to you tonight” or does it consistently disappear into the void?
- Do they text when they are running late or let you sit there guessing?
- Do they talk about caring for animals and the planet, yet make no effort to line up even a few of their choices with that value?
I am not talking about perfection—none of us are perfect—but some sign of alignment is important.
You do not need to confront anyone about this if you do not want to.
When someone repeatedly shows you that their promises are more like suggestions, believe the data.
Putting it all together
Reading people is about paying honest attention.
Instead of taking the highlight reel at face value, you start watching how someone moves through the ordinary, unglamorous parts of life.
You will not get it right every time but, if you start looking for patterns instead of performances, you will waste less time on the wrong people and invest more energy in the ones whose quiet actions match their loud words.
As you do that, something interesting happens: You start noticing your own patterns too, and that is where the real inner work begins.
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