If you want to remain relevant in your children's lives as they get older, let go of these 9 outdated beliefs

I watched my nephew scroll past yet another text from his mom at his birthday party last month. She'd sent him a long message about "back in my day" and why TikTok was rotting his brain. He didn't even read past the first line.

Here's the thing about staying relevant in your kids' lives as they grow up: it's less about understanding every trend and more about letting go of the rigid frameworks that create distance. I've seen this play out with friends who are parents, with my own parents as I hit my forties, and in countless conversations at coffee shops where exhausted moms and dads wonder why their teenagers suddenly treat them like strangers.

The beliefs we cling to about parenting often come from a different era. And while some wisdom is timeless, other ideas actively push our kids away. Let's talk about what needs to go.

1) "I know what's best because I'm the parent"

This one's tough because, yeah, you probably do know more about life than your 14-year-old. You've lived longer, made mistakes, learned lessons.

But here's what I've noticed: the parents who stay close to their adult children are the ones who graduated from "I know best" to "I trust you to figure this out, and I'm here if you need me."

There's a massive difference between guidance and control. One invites conversation. The other shuts it down.

Your teenager might make different choices than you would. They might choose a career path you don't understand, date someone you wouldn't have picked, or spend money in ways that make you cringe. But unless they're in actual danger, your job shifts from director to consultant.

Think about it: do you want your adult children calling you for advice, or do you want them avoiding your calls because they know you'll just tell them what to do?

2) "Respect means obedience"

I grew up hearing "respect your elders," which basically translated to "don't question adults, don't talk back, do what you're told." And sure, there's value in teaching kids not to be jerks.

But conflating respect with blind obedience creates adults who either rebel completely or never learn to think for themselves.

Real respect is mutual. It's listening when someone speaks. It's considering their perspective even when you disagree. It's treating them like a full human being with valid thoughts and feelings.

When you demand obedience and call it respect, you're teaching your kids that authority matters more than reason. That's not a lesson that serves them well in adulthood, and it's definitely not one that keeps them connected to you.

3) "My way worked for me, so it'll work for them"

The world your kids are growing up in looks nothing like the one you knew at their age. Nothing.

When I talk to my parents about career stuff, I sometimes hit a wall. They graduated college, got jobs with pensions, stayed at those jobs for decades. That's just not how it works anymore. The gig economy, remote work, side hustles, personal brands on social media... these weren't options in their twenties.

Your kids are navigating dating apps instead of meeting people at bars. They're building careers that didn't exist five years ago. They're dealing with a cost of living that's completely detached from wage growth.

What worked for you might contain useful principles, but the tactics? Those need updating. And if you can't acknowledge that the game has changed, you'll sound out of touch every time you open your mouth.

4) "They should want to spend time with family above everything else"

Family is important. No argument there.

But guilt-tripping your adult children into showing up for every family dinner, every holiday, every random Sunday gathering... that's how you turn family time into an obligation they resent rather than a choice they enjoy.

I've watched this dynamic play out with friends who dread going home for Thanksgiving. It's not that they don't love their families. It's that every visit comes with a side of judgment about how they don't visit enough, don't call enough, don't prioritize family the way they should.

You know what makes people want to spend time together? When that time feels good. When there's no lecture waiting. When they can show up as themselves without being criticized for their life choices.

Let go of the expectation that family automatically trumps everything else. Build a relationship that your kids actually want to be part of.

5) "I sacrificed everything for them, so they owe me"

You chose to have kids. They didn't choose to be born.

Yes, parenting requires sacrifice. Yes, you gave up things and worked hard and probably lost sleep for years. That's what you signed up for when you became a parent.

But your kids don't owe you their lives in return. They don't owe you grandchildren, or a specific career path, or living nearby, or managing your emotional needs.

The "I sacrificed for you" card is one of the fastest ways to create distance. It turns the parent-child relationship into a transaction, and nobody wants to feel like they're forever in debt to someone they're supposed to love.

Your sacrifice was a gift. Gifts don't come with strings attached.

6) "I need to protect them from making mistakes"

This one's hard because the instinct to protect your kids is so deeply wired. You don't want them to hurt. You don't want them to struggle. You want to smooth the path ahead of them.

But here's what happens when you do that: they never learn to handle difficulty. They never build resilience. They never develop the confidence that comes from falling down and getting back up.

I've mentioned this before, but some of the best lessons I've learned came from spectacular failures. The jobs I didn't get. The relationships that crashed. The projects that flopped. Each one taught me something I couldn't have learned any other way.

Your kids need room to mess up. They need to learn that mistakes aren't fatal. They need to discover their own strength by facing challenges, not by watching you handle everything for them.

Stay available. Offer support when they ask. But let them stumble.

7) "Technology is ruining their generation"

Every generation thinks the next one is going to hell because of some new technology. Radio was going to destroy literacy. TV was going to rot brains. Video games were going to create violent sociopaths.

Now it's phones and social media, and yeah, there are legitimate concerns about screen time and mental health. But painting their entire relationship with technology as negative just makes you sound like every out-of-touch parent in history.

Your kids are using technology to learn, to create, to connect with communities you can't even imagine. They're organizing movements, building businesses, making art, and staying in touch with friends across the world.

Instead of dismissing it all as brain rot, try asking what they're into. What creators do they follow? What are they learning? What communities have they found?

You might be surprised by how thoughtful they are about their digital lives when someone actually asks instead of lectures.

8) "My approval should matter most to them"

Your opinion matters. Of course it does. But it shouldn't be the only opinion that matters, and it definitely shouldn't be the one your kids are desperately seeking well into their thirties.

I know parents who still, consciously or not, dangle their approval like a carrot. Their adult children are constantly trying to prove themselves, to earn validation, to finally be enough.

That's exhausting. And it's not a relationship, it's a performance.

Your job is to raise kids who develop their own internal compass. Who know what they value and pursue it, even if you wouldn't make the same choices. Who can stand on their own two feet without needing your constant validation.

Give your approval freely. Celebrate who they are, not who you wish they'd become. Let them know they're enough, exactly as they are.

9) "We don't talk about difficult things in this family"

Sweeping things under the rug doesn't make them disappear. It just creates a house full of lumpy carpets that everyone pretends not to trip over.

Some families operate on the unspoken rule that you don't discuss money, mental health, relationship problems, political disagreements, or anything else that might create tension. Everyone just smiles and keeps things surface-level.

That might feel peaceful, but it's not real connection. It's a performance of connection while the actual relationship stays shallow.

Your adult children need to know they can be honest with you. They need to know that hard conversations won't destroy the relationship. They need to see you model healthy conflict resolution, not conflict avoidance.

The families that stay close are the ones that can handle the messy stuff. They can disagree and still love each other. They can share struggles without judgment. They can be real.

Conclusion

The bottom line is this: staying relevant in your kids' lives isn't about being the cool parent or understanding every trend. It's about evolving your approach as they grow.

The beliefs that served you when they were young might be the exact things pushing them away now. And letting go of those outdated ideas isn't weakness. It's wisdom.

Your kids don't need you to be perfect. They need you to be present, flexible, and willing to see them as the adults they're becoming. Give them that, and you'll be someone they actually want in their lives, not someone they tolerate out of obligation.