10 boomer parenting habits that quietly create resentment in their adult children

Not every wound comes from a screaming match.

Sometimes it’s subtle—a throwaway comment, a constant “check-in,” or that familiar sigh of disapproval that’s been landing the same way for 20 years.

If you grew up with boomer parents, you probably know what I’m talking about.

They did what they could with what they had. But that doesn’t mean their habits didn’t leave bruises. And now that we’re adults, those habits don’t magically go away—they just evolve into quieter forms of control, guilt, or disconnection.

Here are the parenting behaviors I’ve seen most often that create low-grade, long-lasting resentment in adult children—usually without their parents even realizing it.

1. Calling only to “check in” on logistics, not to connect

Boomer parents often say, “Just checking in,” but the conversation quickly turns into:
“Did you renew your license?”
“Have you been paying your bills?”
“Did you send a thank-you card?”

It comes from care, but it lands like a checklist. Over time, it makes adult children feel less like people and more like projects.

Want deeper connection? Ask how they’re feeling, not just what they’re doing.

2. Expecting gratitude instead of earning respect

There’s often a generational script that goes:
“I gave you everything. You should be grateful.”

And yes—many of us are grateful. But respect and emotional closeness aren’t guaranteed just because you provided the basics. They're built through curiosity, support, and listening—not lifelong IOUs.

When love feels like a transaction, it builds resentment—not closeness.

3. Giving “advice” that’s actually disguised criticism

It sounds like:
“You know what I would do if I were you…”
“Are you sure that’s a smart move?”
“I’m just trying to help.”

But what your adult child hears is: You don’t trust me to live my own life.

Advice is only helpful when it’s invited. And adult kids are far more likely to ask for your thoughts when they don’t feel like they’re being judged by default.

4. Treating emotional boundaries as disrespect

If your adult child sets a limit—less phone calls, fewer surprise visits, no more rehashing past arguments—it’s not rejection.

But boomer parents often take boundaries personally. They hear “I need space” as “I don’t love you anymore.”

This leads to guilt trips, passive-aggressive comments, or the dreaded silent treatment—all of which quietly damage trust.

If you want to stay close to your kids, respect their boundaries the first time. Not because you agree, but because you care.

5. Acting like emotional vulnerability is weakness

Many boomers grew up in environments where emotions were brushed aside. “You’ll be fine.” “Toughen up.” “It’s not that bad.”

But that doesn’t work in emotionally healthy relationships—especially with adult children who are trying to unlearn generational patterns.

When your kid opens up about anxiety, burnout, or therapy, and you respond with “Back in my day we just got on with it,” don’t be surprised when they stop sharing.

Validation builds bridges. Dismissal builds silence.

6. Comparing their lives to yours as a measurement tool

“You have it so easy compared to when I was your age.”
“We had to buy a house with one income and raise three kids without help.”
“Try having my problems.”

It’s meant to offer perspective. But what it usually creates is shame.

Your child’s struggles are real—even if they look different than yours. And comparing challenges doesn’t close the gap. It widens it.

7. Holding onto outdated labels and roles

Boomer parents sometimes struggle to see their kids as adults with evolving identities.

They still treat the “shy one” like a delicate flower. The “rebellious one” like a risk. The “smart one” like a trophy.

These roles may have made sense at 12—but clinging to them at 32 is stifling.

Resentment builds when you feel trapped in a version of yourself you’ve outgrown.

8. Making every visit or call feel obligatory

If every interaction is tied to guilt—“You haven’t visited in months,” “You never call,” “You forgot your uncle’s birthday”—it stops feeling like connection and starts feeling like compliance.

Adult children often avoid parents who make them feel like every moment of attention is owed instead of welcomed.

The solution? Celebrate the time they do give you. Make them want to come back—not because they have to, but because it feels good to.

9. Inserting themselves into parenting decisions uninvited

Boomers love to say, “We didn’t raise you like that,” or “That’s not how we did it.”

Which is great—for then.

But parenting evolves. And adult children raising kids of their own want support, not side-eye. Being told how to discipline, feed, or parent a child in 2024 based on methods from 1986 creates friction fast.

Offer help. Don’t overstep. Let them parent without a critic in the wings.

10. Assuming the relationship will stay strong without effort

This is probably the biggest one.

Boomer parents sometimes believe that once the child becomes an adult, their job is done—and the connection will maintain itself.

But adult children need nurturing too. They need to be asked how they’re really doing. They need to feel seen now, not just remembered as who they were at 15.

Neglect isn’t always loud. Sometimes it’s just the sound of not calling, not asking, not updating your understanding of who your child is becoming.

Over time, that quiet neglect builds up—and becomes resentment that’s harder and harder to reverse.

The bottom line

Boomer parents weren’t handed a blueprint for raising adult kids.
They were taught how to raise children, not keep growing with them.

But if you want a close relationship with your kids into their 30s, 40s, and beyond, it’s going to take unlearning some of the habits that quietly push them away.

Start with this:

• Be curious, not controlling.

• Listen more than you lecture.

• Respect their boundaries as much as you expect them to respect yours.

• Don’t just love them—see them.

Because the strongest parent-child bonds in adulthood aren’t built on authority. They’re built on mutual respect, emotional trust, and the choice—by both people—to keep showing up.

Even as everything else changes. Especially then.