What happens when old dining manners collide with a new service culture?
There’s an art to ordering food in a restaurant. Most people learn it with time — how to treat staff, how to make requests politely, and how to read the atmosphere.
But every server can tell you there are a few phrases that trigger instant tension.
They’re not always said with bad intent. In fact, many come from people who genuinely think they’re being friendly, assertive, or just “old school.” Yet to a seasoned server, these lines are red flags, signals that the next few minutes could get complicated.
If you’ve ever worked in hospitality, you know the look: the quick inhale, the polite smile that tightens just slightly, the mental prep for what’s coming.
Let’s break down the eight phrases that make servers instantly brace themselves, and the subtle psychology behind why.
1) “I’ve been coming here for years.”
This line usually sounds nostalgic. Sometimes it is. But more often than not, it’s a preamble to a demand.
It’s code for I expect special treatment.
Maybe the customer wants something taken off the menu, or insists a dish “used to taste better.” Maybe they’re upset about new pricing or staff turnover. Whatever follows, the server knows they’re about to deal with entitlement wrapped in sentimentality.
Here’s the thing: real regulars never have to announce it. The staff already knows who they are. The relationship is mutual, built on respect, not leverage.
There’s a psychological bias at play here called the endowment effect, the tendency to overvalue something simply because we’ve experienced it for a long time. Regulars who drop this line are often trying to reclaim the comfort of familiarity in a space that’s changed.
But when it’s delivered as a flex, it doesn’t evoke warmth; it triggers defensiveness.
2) “What’s good here?”
It sounds like a friendly icebreaker. But for servers, this question is a small minefield.
Without context, it’s too vague to answer honestly. “Good” can mean healthy, indulgent, spicy, vegan, quick, or cheap, and servers can’t read your priorities.
I once asked this question myself while traveling through Florence. The server smiled and said, “Everything’s good. You tell me what you like, then I tell you what’s good for you.” That answer stuck with me because it revealed something simple but profound: people project their preferences onto food.
When diners ask “What’s good?” but don’t give any direction, they’re really outsourcing their decision-making, and then often reject the suggestion anyway.
A better approach is specificity: “I’m in the mood for something light” or “What’s your favorite vegan option?” It gives the server a chance to actually help, not guess.
It’s a small shift, but it turns an awkward exchange into a genuine connection.
3) “Can you make it like you used to?”
This one always makes the air go still.
It’s not that servers or chefs don’t want you to be happy. They do. But this phrase carries a subtle challenge: you’ve changed something, and I disapprove.
Restaurants evolve. Chefs come and go. Ingredients get updated. But when someone says “make it like you used to,” they’re often resisting change itself.
It’s nostalgia disguised as feedback.
There’s a reason this hits nerves: it implies the current staff is doing something wrong, even when they’re not. Psychologically, it’s linked to rosy retrospection, a bias where we remember the past as better than it actually was.
If you truly miss a version of a dish, there’s nothing wrong with saying, “I used to love when it had more spice” or “That old version brings back memories.” That invites conversation instead of conflict.
But demanding the kitchen recreate a long-lost recipe on the spot? That’s like asking a band to play your favorite song exactly as you remember it from 1987. It’s not happening, and everyone ends up frustrated.
4) “I know the owner.”
If there’s a single phrase guaranteed to make a server’s shoulders tense, this is it.
This line almost never helps a situation. It’s typically dropped like a trump card right before a complaint, an argument about the bill, or a demand for something “off-menu.”
It’s the verbal equivalent of flashing a badge.
The irony? Most staff do know the owner. And in most cases, the owner trusts their team to handle things professionally, not to bend the rules for name-droppers.
When I worked in a small café in Los Angeles, there was a man who used this line every Sunday morning to skip the line. One day the owner himself heard him and said, “Yeah, I know me too — please wait like everyone else.” The look on that man’s face said it all.
Name-dropping someone in charge doesn’t earn respect; it erodes it.
If you truly have a relationship with the owner, there’s a quieter way to express that: “I think I met [Owner’s Name] last time — lovely person.” That acknowledges the connection without turning it into a power play.
5) “I’ll take care of you if you take care of me.”
This one sounds generous on the surface. But it’s laced with manipulation.
Servers recognize it instantly — it’s the promise of a tip dangled like bait. The message is clear: earn my money by prioritizing me over everyone else.
That kind of transactional energy kills the natural rhythm of service. It shifts things from hospitality to negotiation.
Last summer in Brooklyn, I overheard a man say this to a young server. She smiled, nodded politely, and immediately went to the back to vent to her coworkers. Because what the customer thought was charm felt like pressure.
Tipping generously after great service is wonderful. Preemptively offering it as a bribe is not.
True generosity doesn’t need to announce itself. It shows up quietly, at the end of the meal — maybe with a sincere “Thank you for taking care of us tonight.”
6) “I don’t want to cause a fuss, but…”
Everyone in the room hears that phrase and thinks the same thing: Oh no, here comes the fuss.
This is the linguistic equivalent of someone saying, “No offense, but…” right before saying something offensive. It’s a self-conscious attempt to sound polite while still delivering criticism.
Social psychologists call this face-saving language, an effort to preserve your own image while asserting control over a situation. The problem is, it rarely works. The “fuss” becomes unavoidable because the phrase signals conflict before it even happens.
Most servers would much rather handle a direct, calm request than a drawn-out apology-complaint hybrid.
If your meal isn’t right, you don’t need to tiptoe around it. A simple “Hey, sorry, this came out cold — would it be possible to reheat it?” does the job perfectly.
Clarity is kindness. Theatrics are not.
7) “Is the chef in today?”
This one makes every server pause.
Sometimes, sure, it’s meant as a compliment. But usually, it’s a setup for critique — “Last time the chef made it perfectly, but today it’s too salty.”
It’s a backhanded way to express dissatisfaction while shifting blame upward.
But restaurants don’t work like solo acts. Kitchens are teams — cooks, prep staff, expediters, dishwashers. Singling out the chef assumes the entire operation hinges on one person’s presence.
When diners do this, they unintentionally devalue the rest of the staff. It’s like walking into a concert and saying, “Is the lead singer here? Because if it’s just the band, I’m not sure it’ll be good.”
If you genuinely want to compliment the food, by all means do. Servers love passing along praise. Just keep it collaborative: “Could you tell the kitchen this was fantastic?” That kind of feedback makes everyone’s night better.
8) “We’ll just sit ourselves.”
Every host dreads this moment.
A couple walks in, scans the room, and parks themselves in a booth without waiting for direction. On the surface, it looks harmless. In practice, it throws the whole system into chaos.
Hosts assign tables based on rotation and workload to keep things fair. When someone “sits themselves,” they often end up in another server’s section, disrupting the balance. Now one server’s slammed, another’s idle, and the host has to do damage control.
I saw this constantly while photographing restaurants for a vegan travel piece last year. It wasn’t malice; it was impatience. People just didn’t like waiting for permission.
There’s a deeper pattern here. For many boomers, autonomy equals competence. Being told where to sit can feel infantilizing. So they take initiative. But what reads as confidence from their side reads as disregard from the staff’s.
A quick “Should we wait to be seated?” avoids all of that. It communicates respect and awareness — two things that make every meal start smoother.
The bottom line
Dining out isn’t just about food; it’s about energy.
Every phrase, every tone, every assumption shapes the experience for both diner and server. The best meals happen when mutual respect sets the tone early.
Most of these “brace yourself” phrases come from habit, not hostility. They’re echoes of a time when the customer was “always right.” But hospitality today is more relational than hierarchical. It’s about connection, not command.
Servers don’t expect perfection. They just want basic decency — a sense that you see them as people, not props in your dining story.
So next time you’re out, pause before speaking. If a phrase feels like it comes with an invisible exclamation point, maybe reframe it. A little self-awareness goes a long way — not just in restaurants, but in life.
Because here’s the truth: the most memorable meals aren’t the ones where you “got your way.” They’re the ones where everyone, diner and server alike, walked away feeling good.
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