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People who apologize too much usually grew up hearing one of these 7 phrases too often

Over-apologizing isn’t just a habit—it’s often rooted in childhood messages. These phrases quietly train us to shrink ourselves.        

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Over-apologizing isn’t just a habit—it’s often rooted in childhood messages. These phrases quietly train us to shrink ourselves.        

I used to apologize for everything.

If someone bumped into me, I’d say sorry.
If a waiter brought me the wrong meal, I’d apologize for “being a bother.”
Even when asking a question in meetings, I’d start with, “Sorry if this is a stupid thing to ask…”

I didn’t even notice I was doing it until a friend—gently but firmly—asked, “Why are you always sorry for existing?”

That question landed hard.

Because I didn’t feel sorry. I felt small. And as I began to trace the roots of this reflex, I didn’t find rudeness or people-pleasing—I found old messages, absorbed so early I mistook them for truth.

Over time, I realized that people who over-apologize usually weren’t taught to be weak. They were taught to be careful. To stay agreeable. To avoid rocking the boat. And those messages often sound like harmless phrases—but they shape the voice in your head more than you’d think.

Here are 7 phrases many of us heard growing up that quietly trained us to say “sorry” too much—and what we can say instead.

1. “Don’t talk back.”

I remember this one well.

As a kid, I once questioned why a rule existed. It wasn’t disrespectful—I was just curious. The response? “Don’t talk back.” I wasn’t being rude. I was thinking out loud.

Later, I learned that disagreement—even thoughtful, calm disagreement—was seen as defiance.

So I learned to smooth things over. To say sorry before speaking. To cushion every opinion in layers of self-doubt. I didn’t want to seem difficult or confrontational.

Sound familiar?

When kids grow up hearing that even polite dissent is wrong, they internalize the idea that asserting themselves is dangerous. So they pre-apologize to soften the blow.

What to try instead: Instead of apologizing for offering a different perspective, try “I see it a little differently—mind if I share?” Or just… say it plainly. Confidence isn’t the same as disrespect.

2. “Because I said so.”

There’s nothing inherently toxic about this phrase — it’s often used out of exhaustion.

But when it becomes a household mantra, it teaches a child one thing: don’t question authority.

Not just parental authority, but eventually any authority—bosses, partners, social norms. It trains you to override your own logic, even your gut, in favor of keeping others happy.

That’s when you start saying things like “Sorry, I know this is probably a bad idea” before you even finish your sentence.

Why it matters: If no one ever explained the “why,” you probably learned that your reasoning didn’t matter. That’s how people start to distrust their voice.

What to try instead: When you catch yourself apologizing for asking questions or proposing something new, pause and ask: “What would I say if I believed my input had value?”

3. “You’re being too sensitive.”

Ah, the classic gaslight phrase dressed as feedback.

When I was little, I cried when someone yelled. I wasn’t trying to make a scene—I just felt overwhelmed. But I was told I was “too sensitive” or “overreacting.”

So I learned to apologize for my emotions. For tearing up. For being upset. For being affected.

Even now, I catch myself saying, “Sorry, I know I’m being dramatic,” when I’m just having a human response.

This phrase teaches us that feelings are problems. And if you believe your feelings are a problem, you’ll spend your adult life apologizing for having them.

What to try instead: Replace “Sorry I’m so emotional” with “This is just important to me.” Emotional responses aren’t flaws—they’re signals.

4. “Stop making a big deal out of it.”

This one’s a close cousin to “You’re being too sensitive,” but it’s sneakier.

It’s what you’re told when someone crosses your boundary—but you're made to feel like enforcing that boundary is the problem.

A friend cancels on you for the third time. You bring it up, and they say, “Why are you making such a big deal out of it?”

You feel guilty. You say sorry. You backpedal.

Because maybe growing up, when you voiced discomfort, it was framed as an overreaction. Not only do you start ignoring your limits—you begin apologizing for having them.

What to try instead: If someone makes you feel guilty for naming a boundary, say: “It might not feel like a big deal to you, but it matters to me.” Boundaries don’t need justification to be valid.

5. “What will people think?”

This one tends to echo in homes where image mattered more than truth.

Maybe you were told not to wear certain clothes, express certain opinions, or make a scene—because what would the neighbors think?

The result?

You learn to apologize not for doing something wrong—but for being visible.

Even today, I sometimes apologize before giving a presentation, posting something online, or asking a “stupid” question. The shame isn’t real—it’s inherited.

People who grew up hearing this message often internalize the idea that their presence needs to be edited for public approval.

What to try instead: When you feel the urge to shrink or pre-apologize, ask yourself: “What would I do right now if no one was watching?” Then do that. Quiet confidence is louder than imagined judgment.

6. “Be nice.”

This one seems so harmless. Of course we want kids to be kind.

But in many households—especially for girls—“be nice” wasn’t about kindness. It was about being agreeable at all costs.

Don’t complain. Don’t say no. Don’t make anyone uncomfortable. Don’t make waves.

The word “no” becomes taboo. And since saying “no” makes you feel guilty, you soften it with “I’m so sorry, I wish I could but…”

And you do this even when you’re completely in the right.

What to try instead: Swap “sorry” for “thank you.” For example: “Thanks for thinking of me, but I’ll have to pass this time.” Boundaries don’t have to be rude—they just have to be clear.

7. “You should know better.”

This is the one that makes you feel like making mistakes is unacceptable.

Maybe you spilled something. Maybe you got a grade you weren’t proud of. Instead of hearing “It’s okay, let’s figure it out,” you were told you should’ve known better.

That message turns into chronic shame.

So now, every time you make a small mistake—even something human, like missing a deadline or forgetting an email—you apologize over and over, spiraling into self-blame.

You’re not apologizing for the action. You’re apologizing for being imperfect.

What to try instead: When you slip up, say: “Thanks for your patience—this one’s on me.” Then move forward. Owning a mistake is powerful. Drowning in it isn’t.

Final thoughts

If you over-apologize, it doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you were probably taught—directly or subtly—that your needs, voice, or presence made life harder for someone else.

But here's what I’ve learned: Apologies lose their meaning when we use them to manage anxiety instead of to take responsibility. And you deserve more than a life lived in constant self-correction.

So the next time you hear that “sorry” climbing up your throat, pause.
Ask: Am I actually doing something wrong? Or am I just afraid of taking up space?

Because there’s a version of you who says what they mean without apology.

She’s not rude. She’s not reckless.

She’s just finally remembering she’s allowed to be here.

And trust me—she’s not sorry.

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Avery White

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Formerly a financial analyst, Avery translates complex research into clear, informative narratives. Her evidence-based approach provides readers with reliable insights, presented with clarity and warmth. Outside of work, Avery enjoys trail running, gardening, and volunteering at local farmers’ markets.

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