8 signs someone is toxic to be around but doesn’t realize it, according to psychology

Toxicity doesn’t always come wrapped in malice.

Some of the hardest people to deal with aren’t the obvious bullies or manipulative types—but the ones who genuinely believe they’re doing nothing wrong.

They’re the friends who think they’re just “being honest,” the coworkers who claim to “tell it like it is,” or the family members who say they “only want what’s best for you.”

But their behavior still drains you.

Still makes you doubt yourself. Still leaves you walking away feeling… off.

So, how do you recognize when someone is quietly toxic—even if they don’t realize it?

Here are eight signs to watch for.

1. They constantly play the victim

No matter what happens, it’s never their fault.

They’re always the one who’s misunderstood, mistreated, or unfairly targeted. Every broken friendship? Someone else’s issue. Every workplace conflict? “People just don’t like honesty.”

At first, you might feel sympathy. You might even bend over backwards to make them feel better.

But over time, it becomes emotionally exhausting. Their refusal to take accountability starts painting everyone around them as the enemy—including you.

Psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula notes that “chronic victimhood” is a subtle but damaging trait often seen in covertly toxic relationships. It keeps them in control—without ever admitting they’re part of the problem.

2. They never celebrate your success

Ever shared good news with someone and noticed their reaction didn’t match your energy?

Maybe they changed the subject, gave you a lukewarm “nice,” or quickly brought up something going wrong in their life.

Toxic people who lack self-awareness often struggle with envy, even if they’d never admit it. They might downplay your wins or throw in a backhanded comment like, “Must be nice to get that kind of opportunity.”

They think they’re just being “realistic” or “humble,” but the truth is—they’re uncomfortable when someone else shines.

You don’t need someone who competes with your joy. You need someone who claps when you win, even if they’re still waiting on their own moment.

3. They make jokes at your expense

“You’re so sensitive.”
“I was just joking!”
“You know I didn’t mean it like that.”

If you’ve heard any of these after someone made a “joke” that stung, you’re not alone.

People who don’t realize they’re toxic often use humor as a shield. They’ll say things that cut deep—but hide behind sarcasm or pretend it’s all harmless fun.

The issue is, your discomfort becomes the punchline. And instead of acknowledging that their words hurt you, they double down on how you misunderstood the vibe.

Healthy people take feedback and adjust. Toxic ones deflect with a laugh.

4. They interrupt or hijack conversations

It starts subtly—cutting you off mid-sentence. Turning every conversation back to themselves. Responding to your story with, “That reminds me of something I went through…” and then launching into a 10-minute monologue.

The tricky part?

They often don’t notice they’re doing it.

But over time, you begin to feel unheard. Unimportant. Like your words are just fillers between their thoughts.

A friend of mine once said, “I realized I was becoming background noise in my own conversations.” That stuck with me.

Toxic people who dominate dialogue rarely see it as a problem. But relationships thrive on mutual exchange, not performance. And if someone always centers themselves, it might be time to step back and reassess the balance.

5. They offer unsolicited advice—but never ask how you feel

These are the “fixers.”

You come to them to vent, and suddenly you’re being hit with a five-step plan to solve your life.

At first, it might seem helpful. But after a while, you realize they never actually asked how you feel—they just jumped straight into solution mode.

People who constantly give unsolicited advice often don’t realize that they’re overstepping. But it can feel invalidating—like your emotions are problems to be solved, not experiences to be held.

Sometimes, you don’t need advice. You just need someone to say, “That sounds really hard. I’m here.”

6. They guilt you for having boundaries

Ever set a boundary and immediately get hit with a passive-aggressive response?

• “Wow, I guess you’re just really busy these days.”
• “Did I do something to upset you?”
• “Must be nice to have all that free time for other people.”

This kind of emotional manipulation often flies under the radar because it sounds like insecurity. And maybe it is.

But that doesn’t make it okay.

Toxic people often don’t realize they’re being controlling—they think they’re just expressing their feelings. But the way they do it makes you feel bad for protecting your time, energy, or peace.

As therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab points out, people who benefit from your lack of boundaries will be the ones most offended by your having them.

That quote alone changed the way I relate to guilt.

7. They only reach out when they need something

You haven’t heard from them in weeks… until they need help moving, or want a favor, or feel bored and need someone to distract them.

And even then, the conversation is one-sided. You’re giving your time, your energy, your support—but getting very little back.

Now, everyone goes through seasons where they’re more needy than usual. That’s normal. But if someone only engages with you when it benefits them, it’s a pattern — not a phase.

The most quietly toxic people often think they’re being friendly just by reaching out. But friendship isn’t a transaction. It’s a two-way investment.

8. They leave you emotionally drained

This might be the biggest sign of all—and it’s often the one we feel before we can name anything else.

You walk away from a conversation and feel heavier, not lighter. You start dreading interactions. You find yourself venting about them more than you laugh with them.

Your body knows before your brain catches up.

And while the person may insist they’re just being “real” or “going through a lot,” your nervous system doesn’t lie.

Ask yourself: do I feel safe, supported, and respected when I’m around them?

If the answer is consistently no—it doesn’t matter whether they realize it or not. The impact is still there.

Final thoughts

Not everyone who displays toxic behavior is a bad person.

Sometimes they’re hurt. Sometimes they’re unaware. Sometimes they just haven’t been called out—gently but firmly—on how they impact others.

But that doesn’t mean you have to stick around and be their learning curve.

You’re allowed to distance yourself, set firmer boundaries, or walk away altogether. Your emotional well-being matters—and self-respect doesn’t require anyone else’s permission.

The bottom line?

People can be kind and still harmful.
They can be funny and still exhausting.
They can be well-meaning and still toxic to be around.

It’s not your job to diagnose them. But it is your job to protect your peace.