Women who weren’t taught to love themselves often grow up twisting toward others for light—until they realize they can become their own source of it.
Picture a houseplant that’s been placed in the corner of a room for years. It got just enough light to survive, but not enough to thrive. Maybe it twisted toward a window, stretched in odd directions, or grew stunted leaves.
Now imagine moving it to a brighter spot. The plant doesn’t just perk up overnight—it takes time. It might drop old leaves first. It might hesitate. But with enough sun, water, and care, it begins to grow like it always wanted to.
That’s what self-love looks like for many women. Especially those who were never shown how to care for themselves emotionally growing up.
If you weren’t taught that your needs matter, or that your voice deserves space, it’s not your fault. But it might still be showing up in your adult behaviors in quiet, sometimes self-sabotaging ways.
Let’s talk about seven of those ways—through the lens of that corner-plant metaphor. Because growth is possible. But first, you have to know what’s been limiting your light.
1. You apologize for everything—even when it’s not your fault
You bump into a chair and say, “Sorry.” Someone else cuts in line and you say, “Oh, sorry, go ahead.”
When self-love hasn’t been modeled, many women learn early that their role is to make others comfortable—even at the cost of their own dignity. Apologizing becomes less about taking responsibility and more about keeping peace.
But over time, over-apologizing teaches your brain that you’re always the problem. You shrink a little each time you say “sorry” when what you really mean is “excuse me” or “I deserve to be here, too.”
What to try: Try swapping “sorry” with “thank you.” Not “Sorry I’m late,” but “Thanks for waiting.” Not “Sorry to bother you,” but “Thanks for your time.”
2. You dismiss compliments like they’re hot potatoes
Someone tells you you look great, and you instantly wave it off: “Oh this dress? It’s old.” Or “You’re just being nice.”
You’re not trying to be rude—you just genuinely don’t believe the praise. That’s the tricky thing about growing up without affirmation: it wires your brain to reject it when it finally comes.
Like that houseplant, you’ve learned to survive with low light. When the sun hits you, it feels too bright. Unfamiliar. Almost suspicious.
What to try: Instead of deflecting, try this: “Thank you. That means a lot.” Say it even if it feels weird. Especially if it feels weird.
3. You over-give to others and under-nourish yourself
You remember everyone’s birthday. You send the check-in texts. You show up early and stay late. But when you need support? You hesitate to ask. Or you don’t ask at all.
Here’s the thing: overgiving is often a strategy for earning love. It feels safer than just asking for it. If you weren’t taught that your presence alone is enough, you learn to do in order to deserve.
It’s like watering every other plant in the house while letting your own roots dry out.
What to try: Ask yourself once a week: What’s one small way I can give back to myself today? A walk. A nap. Saying no. Start there.
4. You downplay your dreams before anyone else can
“I mean, it’s just a silly idea.”
“I don’t know if I could really pull that off.”
“It’s probably too late anyway.”
Sound familiar?
This is the emotional equivalent of pulling your own leaves off before anyone can comment on how uneven they are. It’s self-protection. If you weren’t taught that your goals mattered—or worse, if you were mocked for having them—it makes sense that you'd learn to shrink them before others do.
But minimizing your dreams doesn’t keep you safe. It just keeps you stuck.
What to try: Practice saying your goals out loud to yourself—without the qualifiers. Not “maybe someday,” but “I’m working toward…” Let your dream have oxygen.
5. You confuse self-neglect with strength
You power through. You never ask for help. You handle it all. People call you “strong,” and you take pride in that—but there’s a difference between being strong and being unsupported.
If you were taught that needing care is weakness—or that emotions are messy—you may have built an identity around stoicism. But emotional self-neglect is like depriving that houseplant of water while admiring how well it survives on so little.
Eventually, the roots dry out.
What to try: Strength isn’t about going it alone. It’s about knowing when to rest. When to lean. Start treating your feelings as signals, not threats.
6. You avoid setting boundaries because you’re afraid to be “too much”
You say yes when you mean no. You answer texts late at night even when you’re exhausted. You let things slide, even when they really bother you.
It’s not that you don’t know what your boundaries should be—it’s that somewhere along the line, you learned your needs were inconvenient. That speaking up equals conflict. And that conflict risks disconnection.
But here’s the truth: boundaries are not walls. They’re garden fences. They protect what’s growing.
What to try: Start with one boundary that protects your energy, not your ego. Say no to a plan you don’t want. Turn your phone off at 9 p.m. See how it feels.
7. You second-guess yourself in almost every decision
You ask five people what they think before deciding. You reread your texts three times. You mentally replay conversations, worried you said the wrong thing.
This isn’t indecisiveness. It’s hypervigilance. If your early environment made you feel like your choices weren’t safe—or were constantly questioned—you internalize that doubt.
So you outsource your knowing.
But intuition, like any muscle, gets stronger when you use it. And yes, you might make a few “wrong” turns. But that’s how you learn to trust yourself again.
What to try: Next time you feel torn, try flipping a coin—not to decide for you, but to notice your gut reaction to the result. That’s often your real answer.
Final words: growth doesn’t always look graceful
A neglected plant doesn’t bloom overnight. It sheds. It wobbles. It might look worse before it looks better. The same goes for us.
If you recognize yourself in even one of these behaviors, take it as a signal—not a shame point. A signal that you’re ready to start rewiring how you see yourself. That you’re ready to move closer to the light.
Self-love isn’t a destination. It’s a daily decision. One boundary. One kind word. One deep breath at a time.
And just like the plant that finally finds the sun, you might be surprised at how much you were always capable of—once you’re given the right conditions.
