If you want a stronger bond with your adult children, stop doing these 9 things immediately

Some relationships need space to grow. And that’s especially true when the little human you raised is now paying their own internet bill, filing taxes, and deciding what kind of adult they want to be.

I learned this the hard way. A few years ago, my mom started ending every call with, “You never call me.” It was half-joke, half-jab. And though I brushed it off, a part of me dreaded picking up the phone the next time. It felt like the guilt was baked in before we even said hello.

Here’s the irony: my mom just wanted to stay connected. But the way she went about it—pressuring, hovering, clinging—had the opposite effect.

Which brings me to this idea: Trying harder doesn’t always mean trying better. Especially when it comes to relating to your grown kids.

So let’s talk about the subtle habits that might be fraying the bond with your adult children, even if your intentions are loving.

Think of the relationship like a tent: every little tug on the fabric shifts the whole thing. Pull too hard in one direction, and you might collapse the space altogether.

1. Needing to be the “go-to” for everything

When your kids were little, being needed was your superpower. You had answers. You had snacks. You had the ability to make monsters disappear just by turning on a nightlight.

But here’s what’s hard to let go of: when they grow up, being “needed” starts to look different. And sometimes… it disappears altogether.

You might miss those late-night calls asking for help or validation. So when they don’t come, you reach out more. Offer help they didn’t ask for. Try to stay involved.

It’s understandable—but it’s also suffocating.

Independence is not a rejection. It’s actually a sign that you did your job well. Letting your adult child figure things out—even when they flail—is a quiet vote of confidence in their ability to stand on their own.

2. Commenting on their lifestyle—even casually

“That’s what you’re wearing to work?”
“Still renting, huh?”
“I would’ve picked something different.”

You might not mean harm. You might even think you’re being helpful. But your adult child hears something different: You’re not doing adulthood right.

These comments usually come from a place of concern—or habit. But they chip away at emotional safety. The message is subtle but powerful: You’re still being evaluated.

Instead, try swapping commentary for curiosity. Ask what they love about their neighborhood. Compliment how they’ve made their space feel like home. Praise effort, not perfection.

If you truly believe they’re making a mistake, ask: “Would you like my input?” And if they say no? Respect it. Growth often looks messy.

3. Keeping score

If you find yourself mentally logging how often you call versus how often they call, who visited whom last, or who said “I love you” first—it’s time to pause.

That scoreboard? It’s invisible, except to you. And it doesn’t reflect the full story.

Your adult child might be overwhelmed, juggling work stress, parenting exhaustion, or navigating a rough patch in silence. The silence isn’t always personal.

Instead of thinking, I do more, reframe it to I care deeply. If you’re always the one reaching out, you’re showing that connection matters to you. And that’s powerful.

Give them the benefit of the doubt—but also the grace to grow on their own timeline.

4. Giving unsolicited advice (even if you're right)

Let’s be honest: it’s hard to keep quiet when you know what works.

Especially when your child is struggling. The urge to step in, fix, advise, or warn is strong. But here’s the rub: unsolicited advice often feels like criticism in disguise.

And if they’re venting just to release pressure, advice can feel like you’re plugging a leak with duct tape instead of just letting them breathe.

The fix? Offer presence before perspective.

Say, “Do you want my thoughts, or do you just need someone to hear you out?” It’s a tiny question with a huge impact. It tells them: You’re not here to fix me. You’re here for me.

5. Expecting regular updates like it’s a report card

It’s normal to want to know how they’re doing. But peppering them with questions like “Where are you going?” or “Did you remember to lock the door?” can come off as surveillance, not support.

Adult children want to be treated like peers, not kids with curfews.

Instead of asking for constant updates, find moments of connection that feel mutual. Try this:

• Send a random photo of something that reminded you of them.

• Share a memory or a funny story from your week.

• Ask open-ended questions like “What’s been energizing you lately?”

These moments open the door to connection—without prying it open.

6. Making everything about you

Sometimes, in an effort to bond, you bring the conversation back to your own experiences:

• “That’s just like when I…”

• “You remind me of myself when…”

It’s not wrong—but if it happens every time, it can make your child feel invisible.

Think of it like a spotlight. If you keep swinging it back to your stage, they’ll eventually step off theirs.

Try listening with a full pause before responding. Reflect back what you heard. Let them be the main character in their story without competing for the narrative.

There’s deep connection in simply witnessing someone.

7. Using guilt to get closer

Guilt might get you what you want temporarily—more calls, more visits—but it damages trust in the long run.

Your adult child starts wondering: Am I reaching out because I want to? Or because I feel bad?

That internal conflict leads to distance. Not because they don’t care—but because they want to avoid the emotional tug-of-war.

Instead of saying, “I guess I’ll just be alone again this weekend,” try:

• “I’d really love to see you soon—no pressure, just putting it out there.”

• “I miss your energy. Let me know when we can catch up.”

It’s more vulnerable. But also more honest—and disarming in the best way.

8. Acting like your way is the right way

You’ve lived longer. You’ve seen more. Your way works. But if you act like your choices are superior, your adult child will stop sharing theirs.

This shows up in little comments:

• “You’ll understand when you’re older.”

• “That’s not how we did things back in the day.”

• “You’re too sensitive.”

Even if you mean it gently, the effect is minimizing.

Every generation has new tools, new values, new contexts. The goal isn’t to make their life a copy of yours—it’s to cheer them on as they build their own blueprint.

9. Expecting the same kind of bond you had before

Parenting an adult requires something nobody talks about enough: Grieving the old relationship so you can welcome the new one.

You might long for the daily chats, the weekend visits, the inside jokes that came easy. But if you cling to what was, you miss out on what could be.

Your bond might evolve into something deeper—more friendship than parenting. More mutual respect than protection.

But that can’t happen if you keep trying to rewind the tape.

Lean into curiosity. Get to know this new version of your child like you’d get to know a new friend.

Ask what they’ve changed their mind about recently. What’s bringing them joy. What keeps them up at night.

Let yourself be surprised.

Final words

Here’s the analogy I keep coming back to: Your adult child isn’t a potted plant in your house anymore. They’re a tree in a nearby field.

Still growing. Still rooted in your care. But on their own terms, in their own soil.

The best relationships between parents and adult kids aren’t built on constant contact or perfect harmony. They’re built on something quieter—but more lasting: respectful space.

That space says: I trust you. I see you. I’m here when you want to come sit under this tree with me for a while.

And honestly? That kind of love sticks around.

Even when you don’t say a word.