I study emotional maturity: here are 10 behaviors people often mistake for confidence

Confidence looks good on paper. But in real life, it’s often a little murkier.

We’ve all met people who seem confident until their behavior reveals something else entirely. I’ve studied emotional maturity for years, and one thing I’ve learned is that confidence and maturity are not the same.

Many behaviors we praise as “confidence” are actually armor. They are performances that hide insecurity, fear, or emotional unawareness.

Let’s unpack it. Here are ten behaviors that people often mistake for confidence, and what they might really be telling us instead.

1) Speaking loudly or dominating conversations

There’s a difference between having a strong voice and taking up all the oxygen in the room.

Some people talk over others or raise their volume thinking it shows assertiveness. In reality, it often reveals a need to control the situation.

True confidence does not shout. It communicates clearly and listens deeply.

When I was younger and writing for music blogs, I’d often be in rooms with people who spoke like every opinion was gospel. I used to think that’s what confidence sounded like.

But over time, I noticed the most respected voices in the room were usually the calmest. They didn’t need to dominate. They just said what mattered and let silence do the rest.

2) Refusing to ask for help

We’ve glorified self-reliance to the point of absurdity. “I’ve got this” sounds strong, but it can easily become isolation disguised as confidence.

Emotionally mature people know when to ask for help. They understand that vulnerability does not cancel out competence. It enhances it.

I once tried to teach myself photography without guidance, thinking I’d figure it out faster on my own.

I wasted months making avoidable mistakes. When I finally asked a friend, a professional photographer, for feedback, my progress skyrocketed.

That experience reminded me that confident people invite input. They don’t fear it.

3) Always needing to be right

You’ve probably met someone who treats every disagreement like a courtroom drama.

They can’t stand to lose an argument because, in their mind, being right equals being respected.

But confidence is not about being right all the time. It’s about being comfortable when you’re wrong.

Emotionally mature people value growth over ego. They can admit mistakes without spiraling into shame.

The less you feel threatened by being wrong, the more secure you truly are.

4) Being blunt to the point of cruelty

“I’m just being honest” has become a shield for insensitivity.

Some people mistake harshness for confidence, thinking it makes them bold or authentic. But there’s a fine line between honesty and arrogance.

True confidence lies in communicating truth with empathy. It takes far more maturity to deliver honesty kindly than to drop “truth bombs” and walk away.

I’ve mentioned this before, but I once interviewed a band frontman who prided himself on being “brutally honest.”

He ended up alienating his team because his honesty lacked compassion. Confidence connects; cruelty divides.

5) Constantly needing validation

This one can be tricky because the behavior often hides behind social charm. Some people seem confident because they’re outgoing and attention-grabbing.

But if every compliment becomes fuel for their self-worth, it’s not confidence. It’s dependence.

Confidence is internal. It’s not built on applause; it’s built on self-trust.

If your mood rises and falls based on who notices you, that’s a signal to look inward. Emotional maturity means being able to affirm yourself even when no one else does.

6) Never showing emotion

We’ve all heard the myth that confident people don’t show weakness.

But emotional flatness isn’t strength. It’s suppression. I’ve met people who seem unshakable, but underneath, they’re disconnected from their feelings.

Mature confidence is about balance. It’s knowing when to let emotion surface and when to stay grounded. It’s not about pretending everything’s fine. It’s about being fine with not being fine.

Think about it. Who would you trust more? The person who admits they’re nervous before a presentation, or the one who insists they’re “totally fine” while visibly unraveling?

7) Taking big risks without thinking them through

Risk-taking often gets labeled as confidence. But impulsivity and courage aren’t the same.

Some people chase chaos because sitting still makes them anxious.

They jump into new jobs, relationships, or ventures without much reflection, calling it boldness. But true confidence comes from clarity, not adrenaline.

When I decided to go vegan years ago, it wasn’t an impulsive choice.

It was a deeply thought-out decision rooted in empathy, health, and sustainability. Real confidence, in any area, comes from knowing why you’re acting, not just that you are.

8) Using sarcasm or humor to deflect

Humor can be a wonderful social tool. But it can also be a way to dodge vulnerability.

We all know the friend who jokes through discomfort, turning every serious moment into a punchline. It seems like confidence. They’re funny, charming, unbothered.

But often, humor hides fear of being seen.

I catch myself doing this sometimes. When someone compliments my work, I’ll downplay it with a joke. It’s easier than saying “thank you” and owning the compliment.

Real confidence, though, is quiet acceptance. You don’t have to prove you’re humble or self-aware. You just have to be honest.

9) Always needing to “win”

Winning feels good. But if every conversation, negotiation, or argument becomes a competition, that’s not confidence. It’s insecurity with better PR.

Truly confident people don’t measure their worth by victories. They measure it by alignment, by whether they acted in integrity with their values.

I once worked with a creative director who always had to have the last word. Even in brainstorming sessions, he’d subtly “win” every idea.

Over time, people stopped contributing. He wasn’t leading. He was dominating. Leadership built on ego always collapses eventually.

Confidence isn’t about being on top. It’s about bringing others up with you.

10) Mistaking detachment for calm

This one’s subtle but important.

Some people equate emotional detachment with composure. They seem cool under pressure, but it’s because they’ve numbed themselves, not because they’re truly grounded.

True calm comes from regulation, not repression. It’s the result of being in touch with your emotions, not cutting them off.

If you’ve ever practiced meditation or mindfulness, you know what I mean. It’s not about escaping your feelings. It’s about sitting with them without reacting. That’s confidence.

The takeaway

The more I study emotional maturity, the clearer it becomes that real confidence has very little to do with appearances.

It’s not loud. It’s not showy. It’s not about proving anything.

It’s about inner steadiness, the quiet knowledge that you can handle what comes your way without performing for anyone.

Most of the behaviors we label as confidence are just noise. The real thing is often much quieter.

And if you’ve recognized yourself in any of these points, don’t panic. That’s actually the best sign of all. Because awareness is where emotional maturity begins.