7 real ways to become someone people actually respect (stop chasing approval—start earning it)

You can almost feel it when someone genuinely respects you.

Conversations flow, boundaries are honored, and you’re invited into the rooms where real decisions get made.

I didn’t always live in that lane. In my first career as a financial analyst, I chased every gold star—late-night emails, perfect slide decks, nervous little jokes to keep the mood light.

The problem? Approval evaporates as fast as it arrives. Respect sticks only when it’s built on something sturdier than applause.

Below are seven habits that move you from performing for praise to quietly commanding respect. Pick one, practice it for a week, then layer in the next. Small shifts, big ripple.

1. Know your values and act on them

Ever notice how the people you admire seem almost predictable? That’s not boring—it’s integrity. Respect starts when others can trust that your actions match your principles.

Write your top three values on a sticky note. Keep them in sight while you decide how to spend your time and money this week.

When choices get muddy, those words anchor you. Research from the Center for Creative Leadership shows that people feel respected when they see their colleagues listening to—and acting from—clear principles, not convenience.

2. Get good at something that matters

Competence is quiet power. As Maya Angelou put it, “Nothing will work unless you do.”

Early in my finance days, I volunteered to automate a clunky reporting process.

I wasn’t the loudest voice in meetings, but once that spreadsheet shaved hours off everyone’s workload, the tone around me shifted.

A 2021 Binghamton University study backs this up: colleagues rate people who combine skill with reliability as the most desirable teammates.

Pick one high-impact skill—negotiation, SQL, public speaking—and give it ten focused minutes daily. Results speak louder than résumés.

3. Listen twice as much as you speak

“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak,” the Stoic philosopher Epictetus reminded his students.

Real respect flows toward those who make others feel heard. Next time a colleague vents, resist the reflex to fix.

Summarize what you caught—“Sounds like the timeline keeps shifting, which is stressing the team”—and pause.

People respect the rare listener who tunes in without plotting their reply.

4. Draw a clear line where you end and others begin

Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re guardrails.

Brené Brown nails it: “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”

Start small. If a friend wants “just a quick call” during your workout window, offer two alternative slots.

The world won’t end, but it will note that your time actually matters. Every boundary you enforce trains people to meet you at that level of respect.

5. Own your mistakes—fast and in full sentences

Nothing torpedoes credibility like blame-shifting or radio silence.

When you miss a deadline, say, “I underestimated the testing phase and fell short. Here’s my plan to prevent a repeat.” Clear ownership signals maturity; excuses signal insecurity.

Studies on apology effectiveness show that accountability—naming the error and the fix—restores trust more than generic “sorrys.”

Put bluntly: people respect the grown-up in the room.

6. Make decisions without polling the crowd

Seeking advice is healthy; outsourcing every choice is exhausting—for you and everyone watching. The next time you feel the itch to DM five friends for confirmation, run a 10-minute solo audit:

1. What outcome matters most?

2. What data do I already have?

3. What small experiment could test my hunch?

Then act. Even if the decision isn’t perfect, your willingness to steer your own ship signals self-trust—and invites others to trust you, too.

7. Keep your promises, especially the tiny ones

It’s easy to show up for the annual performance review; it’s harder to send the follow-up document you said you’d share “by tomorrow.”

Those micro-commitments teach people whether your word travels safely from mouth to calendar.

Set a nightly five-minute “promise check.” Scan emails and texts for loose ends and either deliver or renegotiate. Consistency turns respect from a one-off compliment into your default reputation.

Final thoughts

Respect isn’t an award handed out by a mysterious panel.

It’s the compound interest of dozens of daily choices—choosing values over vibes, depth over display, action over applause.

Start with one habit here, and let the quiet confidence that follows do the heavy lifting. Approval might still drop by, but you won’t be waiting on its doorstep anymore.

You’ll be out earning something better.