Most of us don’t wake up planning to pass our pain down the family line. We’re doing our best. We’re juggling work, sleep, a social life that exists mostly in group chats, and small humans who have the audacity to need dinner every single night. And yet—if we look closely—certain parenting habits can act like […]
Most of us don’t wake up planning to pass our pain down the family line.
We’re doing our best. We’re juggling work, sleep, a social life that exists mostly in group chats, and small humans who have the audacity to need dinner every single night.
And yet—if we look closely—certain parenting habits can act like little neon signs pointing back to our own unhealed stuff.
Here are six I’ve seen in my life and the lives of people I love.
If one (or three) make you wince, that’s not a moral failure. It’s a map.
1. Micromanaging everything
If you catch yourself correcting the way your kid holds the marker, loads the dishwasher, zips the jacket… you’re not alone.
Micromanaging masquerades as “being helpful,” but the motor under the hood is often anxiety. When I’m tightly wound inside, I try to control the outside. The smaller the person, the easier the illusion of control.
Where does that anxiety come from? Often a childhood where chaos reigned—mood-swing households, walking-on-eggshells environments, love that felt conditional. Hyper-control becomes a shield. If everything is just so, nothing can hurt me.
The problem is kids need room to experiment, fail, and figure it out. Constant correction teaches them that initiative is risky and mistakes are unacceptable.
A gentler swap: set the boundary, then back up. “Shoes on before we go. Your way is fine.”
And when the urge to hover spikes, try naming it: “I’m anxious and I want to fix.” That alone can lower the temperature enough to let them tie laces like a raccoon and learn anyway.
Richard Rohr sums up the pattern well: “If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it.” Control is a transmission device.
2. Avoiding “no”
Some of us grew up earning love by pleasing. We learned it was safer to bend than risk anger or abandonment.
Fast-forward to parenting and “no” lodges in the throat. Instead, we over-explain, over-negotiate, or make a soft promise we can’t keep because we hate the sound of disappointment.
Kids need our warmth, but they also need our edges. When I dodge “no,” I’m not protecting my child. I’m protecting my younger self from a fear that lives in me.
A tiny reframe helps: “No” is a gift. “No screens before school” gives the day a spine. “No hitting” gives relationships a guardrail. Brené Brown says it bluntly, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” Clarity is a love language.
Try it in a single sentence, then stop talking. The extra explanation is often our fear bargaining for approval.
3. Dismissing feelings
“You're fine.”
“It’s not a big deal.”
“C’mon, don’t cry.”
If you grew up in a place where big feelings were embarrassing or punished, it makes sense that intensity feels unsafe now. Dismissing can sound practical, but underneath, it’s self-protection: your child’s sadness is pulling on an old thread in you.
A practical fix I’ve leaned on comes from Dan Siegel’s work: “Name it to tame it.” No long speeches, just a label. “You’re sad your tower fell. That’s frustrating.”
After that, a beat of quiet. The naming helps their nervous system, and yours, organize the moment.
I’ve mentioned this before in another post, but practicing emotional vocabulary when nothing’s wrong is like charging the battery before the storm. Think car rides, bedtime, grocery lines. Tiny reps add up.
4. Using silence or sarcasm as control
If I’m honest, I’ve used both.
Silence is attractive because it looks mature on the surface. No yelling, no drama—just frosty quiet.
Sarcasm feels clever and less “mean” than direct criticism. But both function as a power play that says: I’m pulling away because you made me feel something I don’t want to feel.
If you grew up in a home where people disappeared emotionally when they were upset, or where affection was dialed up and down like a thermostat, your nervous system might treat shutdown as the only safe option.
Kids read the room faster than we think. Silence teaches them that relationships can vanish without warning. Sarcasm teaches them that vulnerability is dangerous.
A candid line is better than a clever one. “I’m overwhelmed. I need five minutes to cool down. I’ll be back.” Then actually come back. Repair is the muscle that breaks generational cycles. Not perfection. Repair.
5. Fixing everything immediately
The jacket gets stuck, the math worksheet stalls, the friend drama spirals—and we swoop.
Speed-fixing is love wearing anxiety’s jacket. It feels good to help and it temporarily lowers our stress. But it also broadcasts this message: “You can’t handle friction. I must smooth the world for you.”
If you had to be hyper-competent early—parentified by circumstances, praised only when you saved the day—it’s hard to watch anyone struggle, especially your kid.
I have to remind myself that boredom, frustration, even mild social discomfort are training grounds. Confidence isn’t built by removing problems; it’s built by getting through them.
A simple script: “Do you want help, a hint, or just company while you figure it out?” Then sit on your hands. Literally if you must. Watching them wobble is an act of trust.
6. Performing parent
This one is sneaky.
You’re posting the perfect lunchbox, comparing reading levels, making “just curious” comments about someone else’s kid’s travel team. Underneath is a familiar ache: Am I enough?
Some of us grew up earning worth by being shiny—grades, trophies, politeness, thinness, productivity. When we feel wobbly inside, we outsource validation to likes, compliments, and the imagined scoreboard in other parents’ heads.
Kids can feel when love comes with a performance clause. They start managing our image along with their own, which is heavy for small shoulders.
I’ve found it helpful to follow the discomfort. If I’m tempted to post the win, I pause and ask, “Would I enjoy this as much if no one knew?” Sometimes yes, sometimes no. The asking matters.
Private joys count. Unshared progress counts. The inner scoreboard is the only one they’ll carry into adulthood.
What to do with all of this
If these habits are showing you your wounds, that’s a gift. It means your nervous system is telling the truth. It means there’s nothing wrong with you—there’s something unfinished.
A few things that help me:
-
Name the pattern in first person. “I micromanage when I’m anxious.” Ownership diffuses shame.
-
Repair fast and specifically. “I was sarcastic earlier. That wasn’t fair. I’m sorry. Next time I’ll ask for a break instead.” No excuses, no lecture.
-
Get support. A friend, a parent group, a therapist. We heal in safe relationships because the original wounds happened in relationships.
-
Practice low-stakes reps. Let them pour the water and spill it. Say “no” to something minor and sit with the awkward. Tolerate their tears without rushing to cheer up. Small wins rewire.
When in doubt, I return to this: my job isn’t to create a childhood with no pain. It’s to build a relationship where pain isn’t faced alone.
That’s how we stop the transmission and start the transformation.
One imperfect, repair-filled day at a time.
Just launched: Laughing in the Face of Chaos by Rudá Iandê
Exhausted from trying to hold it all together?
You show up. You smile. You say the right things. But under the surface, something’s tightening. Maybe you don’t want to “stay positive” anymore. Maybe you’re done pretending everything’s fine.
This book is your permission slip to stop performing. To understand chaos at its root and all of your emotional layers.
In Laughing in the Face of Chaos, Brazilian shaman Rudá Iandê brings over 30 years of deep, one-on-one work helping people untangle from the roles they’ve been stuck in—so they can return to something real. He exposes the quiet pressure to be good, be successful, be spiritual—and shows how freedom often lives on the other side of that pressure.
This isn’t a book about becoming your best self. It’s about becoming your real self.
